Unfortunately my sister's baby passed away last week-end. The little one that had been born in March. Not even 4 months old.
It is so heartbreaking.
The burial is tomorrow.
I can't help but think about my own baby.. how sad it is that they were going to be cousins of the same age and have so much fun together, go on holidays to their grand parent's house like I had great times with my own cousins, or maybe to summer camp or fun things...
It's so sad that they didn't even meet each other.
Previously "a frog's life", we now are settled in France, probably for a few more years. We now have two kids and big plans for our little garden. A sort of old fashioned American homestead 20 miles from Paris.
Showing posts with label difficulties. Show all posts
Showing posts with label difficulties. Show all posts
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
looooong birth story... and a c-section
This is a little bit of a woe me story as the birth was actually quite traumatic for me, and the time leading to it pretty heavy emotionally..
But it feels good to vent.
I am even more grateful to Morgan now for her blog posts about C-sections :)
and thanks to Kate who updated the board and go people praying for me..
I'd rather not share the whole story on the board though as it is pretty long and whiny..
But it does feel good to vent!
:)
Episode 1 began at the end of june, when I was diagnostized with pre-ecclampsia.
After a few days in the hospital et 2 inductions I went home stabilized.
I went back the following Friday for check up and they let me go home again for the week end.
We had a fantastic 4th of July! We invited some friends from the parish and the landlords-neighbors and everyone had a great time. :)
Monday they were supposed to keep me but there were too many women in labor, too busy, they couldn't take care of me and sent me home.
Tuesday they admitted me and decided it was time to re-induce. But for some reason they didn't start any procedure that day. So I was just there, waiting...
Tuesday night I had my first "light dinner" of a long series..
Tuesday went by very slowly. I was excited and hopeful and a little anxious. They had told me I would have my baby that week, I wasn't sure of the level of emergency..
Pre-ecclampsia is serious but my case was stable and the baby wasn't in danger so I guessed we could keep going on until due date..
Wednesday I had a new try at induction, it was an uncomfortable procedure to "mature my cervix" in the hope it would either induce labor or open enough that they could move on to a pitocin IV.
I did get contractions, but nothing too strong.
In the evening I got my regular blood pressure medication plus an extra relaxing one to stop contractions. Sounds weird, but they said if labor had started nothing would stop it, and if it hadn't we may as well get rid of the inefficient contractions and have a good night, in hope of a big day later on..
Thursday morning they check my cervix, no change (barely open, still long and posterior..). I received a dose of gel, a hormonal gel which is suppose to reproduce the hormone that starts labor. As I was "damaged" from all the previous procedures it was burning a bit.. :/
After 6 hours they checked again, it went from barely open to barely open and a half, longish and mid way.. At that point I took it as a sign of progress...
they gave me a second dose. It burnt a bit more but I did start to have stronger contractions in the evening.. I had higher hopes by night time when it started to feel really low and more painful.. I decided to rest as much as possible and fell asleep.. so did the contractions :(
Thursday was especially hard morally. I fell so bad, like I did something wrong and it was my fault the baby wouldn't come.. It was hard also because in the early evening the monito was showing nice regular begining of labor but I was not in pain so everyone was hesitant as to what would happen.
It had been 3 straight days of wait and see (with very little food, and if you know me after skipping just one meal you can imagine how low I was..), plus the first round of tries the week before.
Before leaving on thursday night the midwife told me they would break my water Friday and try the pitocin.
YIKES. It scared me so much.
At that point my ladies parts were really hurt, with a cervix opened only 1,5cm 0_0 I had no desire to get the water broken through so little space, as talented and experienced as the doc might be.
So I spent part of the night talking to the baby and praying to FINALLY go in labor.
My cousin called and tryied to cheer me up, she said the baby was too smart and wholesome to be fooled by synthetic hormones. :) That made me laugh and I felt better about my failure to give birth, and I was somewhat proud of my baby for holding his ground so well.
Friday morning I had the usual monitoring and was waiting for Mr L to join me because they seemed decided to be more offensive about the birth that day. There is a team switch at 9 am so basically whatever isn't done by 8:30 am has to wait the end of the team meeting around 10 am.
So I told him to take his time, then we'd be there together when I know what they do.
At this point I knew a c-section was a last chance option, but I thought they would either send me home again or try the water breaking (scaryyyy) option.
At 9:05 a gynecologist walks in my monitoring room, he says he is not too hopeful about the water breaking thing, and he needs to check my cervix for any change.
He notices it's been hurt quite a bit by all the checkings and creams and stuff and that it hasn't move.
Honestly he is a bit of a smug, he certainly didn't become doctor for his psychologic skills...
So bluntly he tells me I'm going to have a c-section probably that day.
That was really a surprise to me. I thought if I was to have a c-section it would have been done the week before.
so I try to reach Mr L so he can come and discuss it with me and the doc. But there is no discussion, that's a decision, unilateral but a decision made, without too much information given to me.
Then a midwife comes to give me stuff to prepare for the surgery. They really are going to do it that day. Around 9:30 she gives me the special soap for the surgery shower, and the clothes and instructions. She says "as we consider this a scheduled c-section you should take the asceptic shower".
Excuse me? Scheduled???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway... I'll be staying in bed and touch nothing till they wheel me down to the block.
I'm a little bit in shock. I expect someone is going to come to sit down with me and explain, answer questions I may have, explain to my husband.
But not really.
She says " you should go now and be quick, I'll wait for you in your room" I get a new room also, a single one. I gather my stuff from one room to the other, go get the shower and before I even get out 3 people are looking for me. The midwife, my husband and the guy to wheel me down!
It's 9:45 or so!!!
Before I know it I'm in the bed, in a waiting room in front of the block.
Nobody took the time to talk to my husband, who must be stressing out like crazy..
There are some guy nurses in this waiting room, they are really nice. He checks that I have no jewelry and I ask if he knows how the operation is supposed to happen. He tells me more about the rachidian injection, how to round up your back so it's easier, how everything will be numbed and then I'll have the baby, they sew me back up and wheel me back in the waiting room and as soon as I can feel my legs I can go back with baby and daddy.
He was really nice and reassuring.
But soon it was my turn to go in.
I got transfered on a operation table and wheeled in some giagantic fridge.
I did not expect that. The cold was really intense, when I say fridge I'm not exagerating.
I immediately started shivering.
The anesthesist came to introduce himself, how nice of him really most doctors I saw didn't even bother talking to me..
For some reason I thought doing the round back thing would be easy. I am quite flexible with my back usually.
But they started to pug me in different machines and tubes, spreading my arms wide on each side, then I had to sit up (try to do that with your arms open...)
I was shivering, super stressed and cold and everything seemed like a nightmare out of control. I almost asked for them to just put me to sleep so I could not even know what was happening.. and that was just the prep!
The anesthesist said I was like a stone statue.. "You need to relax Mrs".
Like I could...
A nurse came to be in front of me to hold my shoulders, an other one was petting my head and it felt good, I was wondering why they didn't let my husband be with me because he should have been the one to help me relax and pet my hair.
I was trying to breathe slowly so he could do his injection.
The gynecologist-surgeon came in, he was the guy I saw a few minutes before announcing me I'd have a c-section. I already didn't like him too much.. Anyway he asked the nurse why I was breathing like that and she said that was probably something we learn in birth class and he said "oh she doesn't need it then!"
I thought that was so disrispectful. FIrst of all I'm trying my best to not shiver when I'm naked in a fridge and he makes fun of me??? really?? And he talks like I'm not there..
Finally the injection worked and I could feel everything numbing away. I could feel everything still but no pain and not clearly.
They laid me down and put up the operating screen so I couldn't see, but there were several metal lamps above me acting like mirors. I choose to just close my eyes and not look. Yikes..
I heard and felt stuff going on. The nurse in charge of my various plugs was trying to chat to keep me distracted and awake I guess. At some point they asked why I had my eyes closed but I didn't want to answer that guy, I just said I'd like to keep them closed that's it.
After a while I heard " I see a head" and I heard the baby's cry.
It was so cute and unreal.
Someone said the time (11:04am) and that it was a boy and the mid wife brought him to me so I can kiss him.
(Mr. L. took this pic when they brought the baby upstairs)
I had an oxygene tube in the nose and he had a hat and blanket so I didn't see much but I kissed him and she went to wipe him up (because of the cold) then she brought him back so I could have a better look and first contact. THe nurse took my oxygene thing away so I could actually see him. He was really cute and warm but I couldn't see or do much so I asked her to send him up to his dad so he could know all went well and hold the baby. It was really hard to keep my eyes open because that metal lamp was right above me with the reflection of my open insides and bloody stuff all around. :/
Then I closed my eyes again and tried really hard to not think of anything happening in that room at that moment. It took an other half hour or so, the hurse told me there was several layers to sew back..
At the end I felt like they were popping bubbles in the package wrapping paper.. Except I was the bubbly plastic thing.. :/
Finally I was brought away from the room and back in the waking up room.
The nice nurse guy of earlier said the criteria to go back up was to feel one's legs.
I could actually feel them a bit and move my feet :) He said: well, when you can fold your knees. Within 5 min I did! :) I was so proud and excited to be done!
He felt sorry for me because there is a 30 to 45 min minimum to stay under watch anyway, but he offered to warm me up with some hot air from a tube. That felt really good, warm air :)
But I was still shivering a lot.
Around 12:30 they took me back upstairs in the maternity.
My husband was with the baby doing skin to skin :) Then they brought the baby to me so I can try to nurse him. It was so adorable, he immediately tried and somehow managed :)
After that everything was better.
Physically I didn't suffer at all. The most painful part of it all was the multiple cervix checks. Also coughing hurts in the scar but otherwise I had 0 pain.
All nurses said how beautiful my scar is and asked who did it.. Man this is silly but I almost don't want to hear good things from that doctor, I just want to be able to be mad at him for not even taking the time to explaining to me and my husband what was going to happen.
Mentally and morally it was very hard and stressful, being helpless all along, there was striucly nothing I could actively do besides waiting and letting stuff happen passively.
Otherwise I am very happy that the baby is finally here, looks adorable and everything is going a lot better now that we are home. First of all he sleeps :) and nursing is a lot easier and faster.
But it feels good to vent.
I am even more grateful to Morgan now for her blog posts about C-sections :)
and thanks to Kate who updated the board and go people praying for me..
I'd rather not share the whole story on the board though as it is pretty long and whiny..
But it does feel good to vent!
:)
Episode 1 began at the end of june, when I was diagnostized with pre-ecclampsia.
After a few days in the hospital et 2 inductions I went home stabilized.
I went back the following Friday for check up and they let me go home again for the week end.
We had a fantastic 4th of July! We invited some friends from the parish and the landlords-neighbors and everyone had a great time. :)
Monday they were supposed to keep me but there were too many women in labor, too busy, they couldn't take care of me and sent me home.
Tuesday they admitted me and decided it was time to re-induce. But for some reason they didn't start any procedure that day. So I was just there, waiting...
Tuesday night I had my first "light dinner" of a long series..
Tuesday went by very slowly. I was excited and hopeful and a little anxious. They had told me I would have my baby that week, I wasn't sure of the level of emergency..
Pre-ecclampsia is serious but my case was stable and the baby wasn't in danger so I guessed we could keep going on until due date..
Wednesday I had a new try at induction, it was an uncomfortable procedure to "mature my cervix" in the hope it would either induce labor or open enough that they could move on to a pitocin IV.
I did get contractions, but nothing too strong.
In the evening I got my regular blood pressure medication plus an extra relaxing one to stop contractions. Sounds weird, but they said if labor had started nothing would stop it, and if it hadn't we may as well get rid of the inefficient contractions and have a good night, in hope of a big day later on..
Thursday morning they check my cervix, no change (barely open, still long and posterior..). I received a dose of gel, a hormonal gel which is suppose to reproduce the hormone that starts labor. As I was "damaged" from all the previous procedures it was burning a bit.. :/
After 6 hours they checked again, it went from barely open to barely open and a half, longish and mid way.. At that point I took it as a sign of progress...
they gave me a second dose. It burnt a bit more but I did start to have stronger contractions in the evening.. I had higher hopes by night time when it started to feel really low and more painful.. I decided to rest as much as possible and fell asleep.. so did the contractions :(
Thursday was especially hard morally. I fell so bad, like I did something wrong and it was my fault the baby wouldn't come.. It was hard also because in the early evening the monito was showing nice regular begining of labor but I was not in pain so everyone was hesitant as to what would happen.
It had been 3 straight days of wait and see (with very little food, and if you know me after skipping just one meal you can imagine how low I was..), plus the first round of tries the week before.
Before leaving on thursday night the midwife told me they would break my water Friday and try the pitocin.
YIKES. It scared me so much.
At that point my ladies parts were really hurt, with a cervix opened only 1,5cm 0_0 I had no desire to get the water broken through so little space, as talented and experienced as the doc might be.
So I spent part of the night talking to the baby and praying to FINALLY go in labor.
My cousin called and tryied to cheer me up, she said the baby was too smart and wholesome to be fooled by synthetic hormones. :) That made me laugh and I felt better about my failure to give birth, and I was somewhat proud of my baby for holding his ground so well.
Friday morning I had the usual monitoring and was waiting for Mr L to join me because they seemed decided to be more offensive about the birth that day. There is a team switch at 9 am so basically whatever isn't done by 8:30 am has to wait the end of the team meeting around 10 am.
So I told him to take his time, then we'd be there together when I know what they do.
At this point I knew a c-section was a last chance option, but I thought they would either send me home again or try the water breaking (scaryyyy) option.
At 9:05 a gynecologist walks in my monitoring room, he says he is not too hopeful about the water breaking thing, and he needs to check my cervix for any change.
He notices it's been hurt quite a bit by all the checkings and creams and stuff and that it hasn't move.
Honestly he is a bit of a smug, he certainly didn't become doctor for his psychologic skills...
So bluntly he tells me I'm going to have a c-section probably that day.
That was really a surprise to me. I thought if I was to have a c-section it would have been done the week before.
so I try to reach Mr L so he can come and discuss it with me and the doc. But there is no discussion, that's a decision, unilateral but a decision made, without too much information given to me.
Then a midwife comes to give me stuff to prepare for the surgery. They really are going to do it that day. Around 9:30 she gives me the special soap for the surgery shower, and the clothes and instructions. She says "as we consider this a scheduled c-section you should take the asceptic shower".
Excuse me? Scheduled???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway... I'll be staying in bed and touch nothing till they wheel me down to the block.
I'm a little bit in shock. I expect someone is going to come to sit down with me and explain, answer questions I may have, explain to my husband.
But not really.
She says " you should go now and be quick, I'll wait for you in your room" I get a new room also, a single one. I gather my stuff from one room to the other, go get the shower and before I even get out 3 people are looking for me. The midwife, my husband and the guy to wheel me down!
It's 9:45 or so!!!
Before I know it I'm in the bed, in a waiting room in front of the block.
Nobody took the time to talk to my husband, who must be stressing out like crazy..
There are some guy nurses in this waiting room, they are really nice. He checks that I have no jewelry and I ask if he knows how the operation is supposed to happen. He tells me more about the rachidian injection, how to round up your back so it's easier, how everything will be numbed and then I'll have the baby, they sew me back up and wheel me back in the waiting room and as soon as I can feel my legs I can go back with baby and daddy.
He was really nice and reassuring.
But soon it was my turn to go in.
I got transfered on a operation table and wheeled in some giagantic fridge.
I did not expect that. The cold was really intense, when I say fridge I'm not exagerating.
I immediately started shivering.
The anesthesist came to introduce himself, how nice of him really most doctors I saw didn't even bother talking to me..
For some reason I thought doing the round back thing would be easy. I am quite flexible with my back usually.
But they started to pug me in different machines and tubes, spreading my arms wide on each side, then I had to sit up (try to do that with your arms open...)
I was shivering, super stressed and cold and everything seemed like a nightmare out of control. I almost asked for them to just put me to sleep so I could not even know what was happening.. and that was just the prep!
The anesthesist said I was like a stone statue.. "You need to relax Mrs".
Like I could...
A nurse came to be in front of me to hold my shoulders, an other one was petting my head and it felt good, I was wondering why they didn't let my husband be with me because he should have been the one to help me relax and pet my hair.
I was trying to breathe slowly so he could do his injection.
The gynecologist-surgeon came in, he was the guy I saw a few minutes before announcing me I'd have a c-section. I already didn't like him too much.. Anyway he asked the nurse why I was breathing like that and she said that was probably something we learn in birth class and he said "oh she doesn't need it then!"
I thought that was so disrispectful. FIrst of all I'm trying my best to not shiver when I'm naked in a fridge and he makes fun of me??? really?? And he talks like I'm not there..
Finally the injection worked and I could feel everything numbing away. I could feel everything still but no pain and not clearly.
They laid me down and put up the operating screen so I couldn't see, but there were several metal lamps above me acting like mirors. I choose to just close my eyes and not look. Yikes..
I heard and felt stuff going on. The nurse in charge of my various plugs was trying to chat to keep me distracted and awake I guess. At some point they asked why I had my eyes closed but I didn't want to answer that guy, I just said I'd like to keep them closed that's it.
After a while I heard " I see a head" and I heard the baby's cry.
It was so cute and unreal.
Someone said the time (11:04am) and that it was a boy and the mid wife brought him to me so I can kiss him.
(Mr. L. took this pic when they brought the baby upstairs)
I had an oxygene tube in the nose and he had a hat and blanket so I didn't see much but I kissed him and she went to wipe him up (because of the cold) then she brought him back so I could have a better look and first contact. THe nurse took my oxygene thing away so I could actually see him. He was really cute and warm but I couldn't see or do much so I asked her to send him up to his dad so he could know all went well and hold the baby. It was really hard to keep my eyes open because that metal lamp was right above me with the reflection of my open insides and bloody stuff all around. :/
Then I closed my eyes again and tried really hard to not think of anything happening in that room at that moment. It took an other half hour or so, the hurse told me there was several layers to sew back..
At the end I felt like they were popping bubbles in the package wrapping paper.. Except I was the bubbly plastic thing.. :/
Finally I was brought away from the room and back in the waking up room.
The nice nurse guy of earlier said the criteria to go back up was to feel one's legs.
I could actually feel them a bit and move my feet :) He said: well, when you can fold your knees. Within 5 min I did! :) I was so proud and excited to be done!
He felt sorry for me because there is a 30 to 45 min minimum to stay under watch anyway, but he offered to warm me up with some hot air from a tube. That felt really good, warm air :)
But I was still shivering a lot.
Around 12:30 they took me back upstairs in the maternity.
My husband was with the baby doing skin to skin :) Then they brought the baby to me so I can try to nurse him. It was so adorable, he immediately tried and somehow managed :)
After that everything was better.
Physically I didn't suffer at all. The most painful part of it all was the multiple cervix checks. Also coughing hurts in the scar but otherwise I had 0 pain.
All nurses said how beautiful my scar is and asked who did it.. Man this is silly but I almost don't want to hear good things from that doctor, I just want to be able to be mad at him for not even taking the time to explaining to me and my husband what was going to happen.
Mentally and morally it was very hard and stressful, being helpless all along, there was striucly nothing I could actively do besides waiting and letting stuff happen passively.
Otherwise I am very happy that the baby is finally here, looks adorable and everything is going a lot better now that we are home. First of all he sleeps :) and nursing is a lot easier and faster.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Non-birth story
Thanks for the messages of support.
I am back home since yesterday afternoon.
Baby hasn't shown up yet. He is doing some resistance.. trying to come out for July 4th?
we'll see.
So here is our non-birth story:
I went to the hospital Friday for the monthly check up. My blood pressure was way too high so the mid wife asked for more exams. Unfortunately they were really busy with women in labor so I was asked to come back in the afternoon.
I usually go to check ups by train and that would have been really annoying, thankfully that day my mom drove me (we planned on having lunch together before she goes visit my dad) so she could drive me back in the afternoon.
We went to a supermarket during lunch hour to get the last baby stuff I needed for the maternity pack (bibs, socks, hat and a couple t shirts for me).
Back in the hospital I had a monitoring and some blood and urine tests. The monito was good, but they didn't get the results before the lab closed ( yes the HOSPITAL's lab, for some reason they didn't give the results before they closed..)
So I got an appointement for Sunday morning and a relaxing pill and an order to rest.
Saturday we had friends over for lunch, they came to help Mr. L get the lumber for the deck. The hospital called to ask me to come that day instead of Sunday for more monitoring and BP check. We went in the afternoon.
They decided to keep me. :/
It was quite a surprise especially for the dear husband, who got really scared for me and the baby.
Thankfully the baby has never been endangered all along, all his stats have been good at every single check up.
They still decided to induce me as I had all the symptoms of pre-ecclampsia..
Sunday I met my room mate, a girl a bit younger than me with a very sweet gentleman of a husband and an overdue baby.
We had the same procedures done and I was quite happy to have a companion to share the journey with.
i got some contractions and they died away in the late afternoon.
It was actually quite painful.. I realized later that the pain was not from the contractions but from a pinched nerve in my back from sleeping on a new bed..
Monday the service was too overcome to do anything, as we were both stable they didn't try anything that day. but it took hours for us to find out...
Tuesday we received a gel supposed to be stronger than the first time. Again I got some contractions that faded away before the evening.
My roommate got in real labor and came back around 2 am with a baby girl. An adorable little doll. :) that was so sweet. :)
Wednesday, I learned I was stable enough to go home! :) Yay! They are giving the baby an other chance to come on his own, he won't have too long if I understand well. i go back tomorrow for check up, then every other day till I reach 38 weeks, or 38 and a half. Well actually 38 weeks is Saturday.. :/ yikes.
What was very frustrating was the lack of communication. I would get information from the food mainly: the service lady would come in and say "sorry but no breakfast for you the midwife said" and that meant something was going to be done on me.. It was really hard to get any information on what was coming next.. I saw the doctors about 2 minutes total. 10 secondes the saturday, a freaked out doctor who stormed in the room to say " so this is Mrs L, we can't let her out she has pre-ecclampsia, we keep her in, give her a bed". And 1 min50 sec on wednesday morning 2 doctors to tell me they let me out ( I feared they were coming to prep me for a c-section).
I am very thankful that the baby has never been in danger.
It was stressful enough to not know what was going to happen next.. if it would all end with an emergency c-section or not.. so not having to worry for the life of the little one was a great consolation.
I am also thankful that they decided to let me out instead of insisting so much.
Sorry about the details but my cervix got check upon 4 times in 4 days and I hated every minute of it. Also very little changed happened after those 2 tries so it would have taken lots of products to have it evolve... :/
I am thankful for my husband who worked from home to visit me, and brought me cherries, fresh cherries :)
I am thankful for the friends who invited him every single night for dinner to keep his mind of worries. And lent him a car when ours broke down.
Oh yeah, because tuesday night the car broke down.
this is a whole other story but I think we'll laugh our heads off when our baby is a little boy and ask that we tell the tale of his birth.. it will be a 4 parts story with the car breaking down, the tow truck showing up hours late when Mr L is visiting at the hospital, rushing to get back, being pulled over by cops...
I am already laughing about all those adventures, but I think someone else will need more time..
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Lessons form work
Back in August the director of my previous job asked me to write an article about what I learned in Abraham House. In French.
I haven't done it yet.. :( ooops!
I have two main problems (or excuses for laziness):
- believe it or not, but English (as lousy as my English is) comes to me easier than French for work related experience. Probably because it all happened in English.
-and my second big obstacle is that most things I learned where from bad experiences. I have good memories, but the most important things I learned where not fun, and are not things that are politically correct.
Example: I learned that some people are poor because they waste money as soon as they get it. Some people are just plain lazy. Some people are blaming the world on others and stay stuck in their problems, waiting for them to go away by magic.
I learned that not all kids are equal. And the difference is not the parents' income but the parents' attention and desire to raise them well.
I learned that communication is an essential component in an organization.
I learned that it is important to take time to thank your employees and praise them when you are a manager.
I learned that money matters. Volunteering is an admirable thing, but you need to remember to feed yourself first, and to have money set aside for health care.
Ok this is not really negative stuff, but I have to find a way to talk about it with a positive tone. I also want to talk about all the good stuff. How it doesn't take much to see the best emerge in anyone: take a day off to Mariendale (the park we had family days in) and it's a whole different story.
Abraham House was a human experience for me. It was the tightest time of my life (so far) and that does create tensions. This is something I shared with people there. Would I become anxious, stressed out and take it on my kids? I don't know, but I don't want to judge because it's a hard time when you can't have both ends meet.
I don't know if I can write about this. I can surely write about Mariendale though :)
I can write about Saturdays, and how a few words with some people can keep you going for the week. How you can find hope, encouragement and love in many unexpected situations..
I haven't done it yet.. :( ooops!
I have two main problems (or excuses for laziness):
- believe it or not, but English (as lousy as my English is) comes to me easier than French for work related experience. Probably because it all happened in English.
-and my second big obstacle is that most things I learned where from bad experiences. I have good memories, but the most important things I learned where not fun, and are not things that are politically correct.
Example: I learned that some people are poor because they waste money as soon as they get it. Some people are just plain lazy. Some people are blaming the world on others and stay stuck in their problems, waiting for them to go away by magic.
I learned that not all kids are equal. And the difference is not the parents' income but the parents' attention and desire to raise them well.
I learned that communication is an essential component in an organization.
I learned that it is important to take time to thank your employees and praise them when you are a manager.
I learned that money matters. Volunteering is an admirable thing, but you need to remember to feed yourself first, and to have money set aside for health care.
Ok this is not really negative stuff, but I have to find a way to talk about it with a positive tone. I also want to talk about all the good stuff. How it doesn't take much to see the best emerge in anyone: take a day off to Mariendale (the park we had family days in) and it's a whole different story.
Abraham House was a human experience for me. It was the tightest time of my life (so far) and that does create tensions. This is something I shared with people there. Would I become anxious, stressed out and take it on my kids? I don't know, but I don't want to judge because it's a hard time when you can't have both ends meet.
I don't know if I can write about this. I can surely write about Mariendale though :)
I can write about Saturdays, and how a few words with some people can keep you going for the week. How you can find hope, encouragement and love in many unexpected situations..
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Psalms- waiting list
I think most of readers here are religious and familiar with psalms.
I love psalms, they are like a second language, a language for prayer..
Sometimes I come across a song or an hymn that are really pertinent to me. And I think of them as an apocryph book of psalms. Like a waiting list for the next edition.
Do you know what I mean?
Today I think of East to West from Casting Crowns. It's my song for today. Hanging there hoping for a more faithful tomorrow.
Here I am Lord and I'm drowningPicture is from John Adams, Mount Williamson
In a sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your Truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But you are holding on to me
boring post for Saturday
Today is my last Saturday at work. I feel sorry to admit that I won't miss it. I don't know when and how, but it slowly went from a job I loved to a chore I have to get through. I count hours until I can be done with it.
I enjoy many aspects of my work. But I have been more and more aware of the parts I dislike, and I probably got less involved and attentive, hence less contact with people, hence I like it even less.
For example I just got in. There is a group of teens on the side table, they don't answer my "hi!" or is it in my head? I see some people sitting at tables, we exchange a couple smiles. Then I went straight to my office, to print the bulletin of the week. Last week I didn't think about it until the last minute, the lady who usually takes care of it wasn't there and nobody took over.. I know it's silly but I feel like very few people are putting efforts in making this place a community, and I don't want to be the last one trying, I think I gave up. :( This is when it's time to quit I guess.
Well this sounds very negative, we do have a community here. But it's too hard for me to be STAFF AND Community. There are many things I am not allowed to do as staff, like going to visit people or inviting them over, that makes it hard to feel part of it. I'm glad we're moving because I don't feel in a church, I'm at work, but in a routine not enthusiastic way. The thing I really look forward to every week is the sharing group. This reflexion is my food for the journey. :)
You know it's time to change job when the highlight of your week is to go to jail!
;)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
First years of forever- the ABCs of never
Chapter 7 deals with all the warning signals in a relationship.
Adultery,
Anger
Bitterness
Change,
Conflict
Debt,
Disloyalty
Ego trips
Failure to Communicate
Guilt trips
Habits
Impatience,
Indifference, Insensitivity
Jealousy
"Keeping House" Controversy
Lack of Intimacy
Messiness
Nagging
Out-of-control Children
Parental Pressures,
Pride,
Procrastination
Quick Replies- speaking before you think
Rejection, Sexual
Selfishness,
Self pity,
Spiritual Indifference
Television
Ultimatums
Violence
Withholding Affection
Xhaustion
Yelling and other annoying habits
Zzz'z- boredome with your partner,your marriage or your life in general
Not the most mind strinking chapter in my opinion...
Most of those are mentioned somewhere else in the book.
My personal top 5 to struggle against:
1-Silence: no saying when I'm upset, not saying why..
2-Bitterness: forgiving for real, not bringing past things up to myself
this is not my house (just random googled pic, but it could very much become like this)
3-Messiness: there is such a BIG difference in our behavior when the house is clean and inviting. As soon as there is clutter, papers around etc. we get cranky way faster!! I'm not alone in that struggle though ;)
4- Disloyalty: keep in mind to open my mouth only for positive comments, whoever I'm chatting with. Especially when talking about him. So far so good but I want to be extra careful with this one.
5-Television: put strict limits on television and other screen activities, both hen alone and when with hubby. Sometimes we end up watching TV during diner because the kitchen is too small and once in the living room the furniture seems to invite us to turn on tv. Review furniture arrangement to NOT make TV the focal point.
Adultery,
Anger
Bitterness
Change,
Conflict
Debt,
Disloyalty
Ego trips
Failure to Communicate
Guilt trips
Habits
Impatience,
Indifference, Insensitivity
Jealousy
"Keeping House" Controversy
Lack of Intimacy
Messiness
Nagging
Out-of-control Children
Parental Pressures,
Pride,
Procrastination
Quick Replies- speaking before you think
Rejection, Sexual
Selfishness,
Self pity,
Spiritual Indifference
Television
Ultimatums
Violence
Withholding Affection
Xhaustion
Yelling and other annoying habits
Zzz'z- boredome with your partner,your marriage or your life in general
Not the most mind strinking chapter in my opinion...
Most of those are mentioned somewhere else in the book.
My personal top 5 to struggle against:
1-Silence: no saying when I'm upset, not saying why..2-Bitterness: forgiving for real, not bringing past things up to myself
this is not my house (just random googled pic, but it could very much become like this)3-Messiness: there is such a BIG difference in our behavior when the house is clean and inviting. As soon as there is clutter, papers around etc. we get cranky way faster!! I'm not alone in that struggle though ;)
4- Disloyalty: keep in mind to open my mouth only for positive comments, whoever I'm chatting with. Especially when talking about him. So far so good but I want to be extra careful with this one.
5-Television: put strict limits on television and other screen activities, both hen alone and when with hubby. Sometimes we end up watching TV during diner because the kitchen is too small and once in the living room the furniture seems to invite us to turn on tv. Review furniture arrangement to NOT make TV the focal point.
Monday, May 25, 2009
catching up
I haven't post in long... No particular reasons, just a regular life, with lots to do!
I just had 2 whole days off :) Happy memorial day everyone!!
I love grilling! Mr L. does grilled asparagus, which are divine. He is awesome at grilling anything (meat, veggies, even polenta!)
My cycle should be over now, so I took a pregnancy test this morning: negative :(
Oh well it's just our first real trying...
Also in the last ccl magazine there was an article about "cycle variants".
here are some parts of the article that I found interesting:
" It is very tempting for young women to presume they will experience "text-book" fertility cycles. It only stands to reason : they are young and in the prime of their fertility [...] The ideal NFP chart, however is often not experienced.[...] Dr Brown's finding have led him to conclude that many cycle irregularities experienced by young women should be considered normal. [...]" Cycle variants should not be considered as abnormal; they are normal response to the environment to ensure that pregnancy does not occur under very unfavorable conditions for the mother and fetus." ...[...] cycle varients occuring in a young woman's cycle are nature wake-up calls; something is out of order within the woman's life: too much stress, too little nutritious food, too much or too little excersice, too little sleep etc."
I thought it was really interesting to read that on my second 38+ days cycle in a row...
I finally accepted that hubby is right and I put too much pressure on myself at work. The management is very unclear and there are many contradictory demands every week or more often. This and my crazy hours ( 30 hours over 6 days, mainly on saturdays and evenings..) make sense: I'm indeed under some stress.
This week I also learned something important. I learned that saying " I'm sorry" is actually useful. For some weird reason I always saw the "forgive me " thing as something to do to make yourself feel better: I recognise I hurt you, I feel bad to have you feel this way, I won't do it again...
Until last week when my co-worker apologized to me, and I felt better. :) It was a really new experience for me (I'm 25!!!).
I was resentful because of some small things that happened recently (mainly a lack of communication on schedules and a lack of recognition) and I mentioned the dysfunctions to her, and she minimized it, which made me feel even more resentful.. Then it was my day off, and got over it at some point. But when I came to work the following morning, my coworker came to me and said " Oh I'm glad you're here, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for what happened the other day, I wasn't aware you didn't know you would be alone..." or something like that. I felt like 200 lbs flying off me :)
Apologies feel good sometimes. :) I'm glad I now understand how it works both ways..
I just had 2 whole days off :) Happy memorial day everyone!!
I love grilling! Mr L. does grilled asparagus, which are divine. He is awesome at grilling anything (meat, veggies, even polenta!)
My cycle should be over now, so I took a pregnancy test this morning: negative :(
Oh well it's just our first real trying...
Also in the last ccl magazine there was an article about "cycle variants".
here are some parts of the article that I found interesting:
" It is very tempting for young women to presume they will experience "text-book" fertility cycles. It only stands to reason : they are young and in the prime of their fertility [...] The ideal NFP chart, however is often not experienced.[...] Dr Brown's finding have led him to conclude that many cycle irregularities experienced by young women should be considered normal. [...]" Cycle variants should not be considered as abnormal; they are normal response to the environment to ensure that pregnancy does not occur under very unfavorable conditions for the mother and fetus." ...[...] cycle varients occuring in a young woman's cycle are nature wake-up calls; something is out of order within the woman's life: too much stress, too little nutritious food, too much or too little excersice, too little sleep etc."
I thought it was really interesting to read that on my second 38+ days cycle in a row...
I finally accepted that hubby is right and I put too much pressure on myself at work. The management is very unclear and there are many contradictory demands every week or more often. This and my crazy hours ( 30 hours over 6 days, mainly on saturdays and evenings..) make sense: I'm indeed under some stress.
This week I also learned something important. I learned that saying " I'm sorry" is actually useful. For some weird reason I always saw the "forgive me " thing as something to do to make yourself feel better: I recognise I hurt you, I feel bad to have you feel this way, I won't do it again...
Until last week when my co-worker apologized to me, and I felt better. :) It was a really new experience for me (I'm 25!!!).
I was resentful because of some small things that happened recently (mainly a lack of communication on schedules and a lack of recognition) and I mentioned the dysfunctions to her, and she minimized it, which made me feel even more resentful.. Then it was my day off, and got over it at some point. But when I came to work the following morning, my coworker came to me and said " Oh I'm glad you're here, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for what happened the other day, I wasn't aware you didn't know you would be alone..." or something like that. I felt like 200 lbs flying off me :)
Apologies feel good sometimes. :) I'm glad I now understand how it works both ways..
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I make noodle necklaces for God...
...and I'm not ashamed of it.
There are noodles in my life. Especially stubborned judgmental persons that I meet every now and then. I suppose I got them on their bad days.. In French an annoying/close-minded /lazy person is called " nouille" (that's the kid friendly word). I'm unsure if the english word "noodle" has the same connotation...
Anyway when I need patience/courage in a situation , especially when someone is really being a pain #@%!@# my last resort before screaming and crying or running away is to make noodle necklaces for God.
The catholic tradition calls it "offering it up".
I like the idea of noodle necklaces because I had a hard time understanding the idea of offering your suffering. But I like the idea that the ugly moment I'm living can be collected as a noodle. A plain old useless noodle. When you add them together patiently and with some creativity they can turn into a cool necklace :)
I know I can be the centerpiece of some other people's necklaces.. It helps me keep it real. Even annoying times bring us closer to God, all we have to do is collect all those moments on the string of our patience, and offer it up . ;)
Friday, April 24, 2009
7 quick takes Friday
-1-
I have a serious (but not so rare) condition.
It's been going on for a few months.
I think it came with the marriage...
I got the baby obsession.
I try to not talk about "when can we try for a baby?" more than once every other day. And trust me it's hard... Not that I'm totally out of it yet, but I think about it so much, so much. My husband is so amazing I can't but imagin him with little ones, and if I think about how cute they would be with his red hair and blue-green witty eyes.. I'm melted. So here's what's on my mind at least 20 times a day:
-2-
Thinking of babies, we're planning the future.. well as much as planning can go for the future.
Today I sent a few emails to former teachers to ask them for advices and contacts. I would love to go to the university of Chicago. Linguistics anyone? :)
-3-
I'm getting so good at paperwork!! I got my non-driver licence in the mail when we got back from France. What a nice surprise. The less nice surprise was my hair on the picture, we had such a laugh!! I had been waiting since 7 AM in the rain on the line outside, so I look tired, mean and hirsute...
Now on to applying for green card, GRE, TOEFL, scholarship and university... long is the road.
-4-
weight loss: none. I'm back to 165lbs. Of course I'm back from a nice vacation where I didn't control too much the quantity of delicious food that entered my mouth.. I'm actually quite happy that I'm not back to a higher weight... And I can now get back to my walking at home program, and double it with some outside walking and jogging :) My main motivation (after the doctor's strict warning) is to get a good health condition, related to #1 here :)
-5- Man I could do a whole post about how badly I want those little kids... (at least one to start).
So let's focus on why I'm happy I'm not yet pregnant:
-more time to work on #4
-more time to drink coffee without restriction, or to keep trying to reduce consumption of..
-be one more statistic on how efficient NFP is for postponing pregnancy
-no pressure to look for a good daycare in the Bronx (good luck!)
-I will be able to carry boxes for the moving (wait, am I happy about that??)
-did I mention coffee?
-6-
I went to EMC thursday, they were a few girls but I didn't talk with them, other counselors were there and I needed time to adapt again. Just a week in France was a total change of mind.. It seems to me that things get more drama around here, more struggles and passion.. Like religion, being pro-choice or pro-life, etc. It's like everything is on war and you have to chose your camp..
Or maybe it's just that I have different experiences in France and in the US...
-7-
Teen group: OMG!! Those kids are so negative, and waiting for things to happen. We tried to have them talk about role models... about being pro-active... about standing up for what you want in life... There was a lot of marshmallow going on in their attitude.. and not much will. It was sad. I really hope we are so boring that we killed all the life out of them.. because it was very frustrating to see those young teenagers complaining about "everything", it was like they're too lazy to think. I optimistically think most of it is being shy, or want to look cool in front of the others...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Looking for a direction...
Art project with the kids: our room looks good, here are some pictures :)
things have evolved a little bit and I'm quite happy with the results :)
We have purple mountains, a tree, a sky with starry night, sunset and clouds etc.
and these are the plants, drying, so we can put them in place tomorrow.
Wednesday I went in the room to pick up some construction paper, and I saw someone wrote on the walls.. :( I was so sad and disappointed... Some teenager wrote "Welcome in the Art room!!" and drew some flags. Nothing very offensive, but it was on the light yellow paint of the walls so it really shows..
Then Thursday we had a staff lunch so that we get a chance to meet each other and talk and chat randomly. It was bright and sunny. I sat down and talked a little bit. At some point an other staff member started talking about her boyfriends and how she never ever wants to get married. "And by the way why people even get married?" I was very surprised to hear that on the workplace. I mean two weeks ago we had a meeting with all parents of the afterschool program to insist on the importance of family time, and of community... We work every day to make up for the consequences of broken families. If anywhere some people should value strong family connexions that should be HERE. Why say that? And worse, the new director agreed, he mentioned the french civil pact, that lasts 5 years, saying it's a great alternative. Really? Are you promoting disposable family? What happen after 5 years? You just break free? Oh I was so surprised!
The worst part in my opinion is that if they really believe so they are hypocrits. On one hand they say to the parents: "work on your families" and to the fundations" we defend strong family values" and on the other hand they could care less because " every one is different and have different opinion..." Well I'm sorry but we just had a meeting about how freaking important it is for a child to have both parents working together to rise him/her in order to succeed and have a healthy life.
Anyway just venting my incomprehension.
Later that afternoon I went to the art room again, to clean up the flags and welcome... And here I find a new teacher. He is Art Teacher.
"Great! welcome enjoy your work here, sorry for the mess we're in the middle of a project, but I'll organize better the stuff...
- Oh no worries, see we are going to redecorate this entire room! :)"
BIG huge smile on his face.
I felt like the ground was opening under my feet.
I hesitated between fainting and bursting in tears.
I let him know that we're not even done with our project, that the room was white for months.. That at least he should wait until we're done with the younger children...
He said " oh well, let me know, because the teens are really excited about this project!"
There it hurt me even more. This guy is a new teacher, obviously he started without anyone telling him that we had a project going on. But the children who come here EVERYDAY, including week ends, THEY should know their own little borthers and sisters are doing something. THEY should have noticed that the room was being a little more colorful every week.
How could they not say : " nice project teacher, but I think some kids are already doing this..."
It's like swiming across the ocean of indifference... I hope I'm halfway throught it...
things have evolved a little bit and I'm quite happy with the results :)
We have purple mountains, a tree, a sky with starry night, sunset and clouds etc.
and these are the plants, drying, so we can put them in place tomorrow.Wednesday I went in the room to pick up some construction paper, and I saw someone wrote on the walls.. :( I was so sad and disappointed... Some teenager wrote "Welcome in the Art room!!" and drew some flags. Nothing very offensive, but it was on the light yellow paint of the walls so it really shows..
Then Thursday we had a staff lunch so that we get a chance to meet each other and talk and chat randomly. It was bright and sunny. I sat down and talked a little bit. At some point an other staff member started talking about her boyfriends and how she never ever wants to get married. "And by the way why people even get married?" I was very surprised to hear that on the workplace. I mean two weeks ago we had a meeting with all parents of the afterschool program to insist on the importance of family time, and of community... We work every day to make up for the consequences of broken families. If anywhere some people should value strong family connexions that should be HERE. Why say that? And worse, the new director agreed, he mentioned the french civil pact, that lasts 5 years, saying it's a great alternative. Really? Are you promoting disposable family? What happen after 5 years? You just break free? Oh I was so surprised!
The worst part in my opinion is that if they really believe so they are hypocrits. On one hand they say to the parents: "work on your families" and to the fundations" we defend strong family values" and on the other hand they could care less because " every one is different and have different opinion..." Well I'm sorry but we just had a meeting about how freaking important it is for a child to have both parents working together to rise him/her in order to succeed and have a healthy life.
Anyway just venting my incomprehension.
Later that afternoon I went to the art room again, to clean up the flags and welcome... And here I find a new teacher. He is Art Teacher.
"Great! welcome enjoy your work here, sorry for the mess we're in the middle of a project, but I'll organize better the stuff...
- Oh no worries, see we are going to redecorate this entire room! :)"
BIG huge smile on his face.
I felt like the ground was opening under my feet.
I hesitated between fainting and bursting in tears.
I let him know that we're not even done with our project, that the room was white for months.. That at least he should wait until we're done with the younger children...
He said " oh well, let me know, because the teens are really excited about this project!"
There it hurt me even more. This guy is a new teacher, obviously he started without anyone telling him that we had a project going on. But the children who come here EVERYDAY, including week ends, THEY should know their own little borthers and sisters are doing something. THEY should have noticed that the room was being a little more colorful every week.
How could they not say : " nice project teacher, but I think some kids are already doing this..."
It's like swiming across the ocean of indifference... I hope I'm halfway throught it...
Friday, March 13, 2009
7 quick takes Friday
1- Lenten resolutions:
My resolutions were:
-pray with consistency the complies. And if possible do it with DH.
- eat oatmeal for breakfast, no snacks and light dinners
-save money from outing and pick a charity to give it to
-no crap TV during lunch break
- + read the book of proverbs
well resolutions... lost somewhere...
-DH was gone for a week last week, and we haven't prayed together since!
- I eat oatmeal OR cheerios. ;)
- still not too much going out, only cheap places on Sunday. Last Sunday we went sushi, to celebrate Mr. L. coming home :) It may be a small donation anyway..
- no crap TV during lunch break. More or less kept this week. :) Only I turn on the TV in the afternoons sometimes (like around 5PM)
- book of Proverb 2 more chapter.
Actually this is not tooooooo bad.
2- Also I decided to spend more time with DH in the mornings, sometimes instead of getting up and going to church I stay home with him, cuddling and sleeping in.. It feels nice, it's a good time to be together and to start the day.
But I also realize how much I miss morning mass when I don't go for several days in a row. It's not that easy to be joyful and thankful... Also I go to a very private mass, just 5 people on big days, and there is no homely or anything, it's 20 min max, but we spend 10 min in silence before the last prayer, and that is a very good time for praying. :)
So now my next resolution would be to find a better balance between family life and morning mass!
3- I may work in the morning. For the afterschool program they could have tutoring at... 7:00 AM! The school is litteraly 2 blocks away from my house, and they kids are there anyway, waiting for school to start. Man, these are long days for the children!! We have them in the afterschool program from 2:30 PM to 6:00 or 6:30 PM. It's almost a 12 hours day! No wonder they are tired, impatients and not focused... I would do tutoring....hmmm I think I'll look into homeschooling ideas to make it fun. At least they could see it as a game :)
4- I lost 1 pound. Not much but still in the right direction. :) That's 5 pounds so far. :) 15 more to go! Today I saw a dermatologist (for my myriad of moles), I told her about the regular doctor telling me to lose weight, she said "oh yes, that would be good for you!!" Like duh! Yes you need to loose A LOT!
I was quite surprised.. I don't feel I'm that big... Sure I have some padding on the behind, but this is my personal reserve for winter and recession...
5- Tomorrow we go on with the art project. Finishing "Solomon Temple", and the sky, and a tree to hung all prayers... I'm really happy about it!
6- Thursday we start the discussion group with the teens. The teens in our program are awfully rude, disrespectful and crude. So we're going to give a try to the theology of the body for teens. Actually it's very broadly inspired, because we also want to include a lot about optimism, positive critism and responsabilities. These kids should be upset at all the injustice in the world, ready to rise and make a change, instead they are whining, complaining and insulting. Let's try something, can't get much worse right now. Sometimes all you need is a little thought provocation... Crossing fingers and praying hard!
7- I didn't report about EMC yesterday. I saw only one girl. We talked a lot (by we I mean she, I mostly listen and ask a few question to help her consider all options). And more than ever I try to follow 2 guide lines:
first Love. As simple as it sounds it's difficult for me to not look down at some people who make several poor decisions. It's very humbling to realize that I'm not better and to see how human and limited we all are...
second is that when you face a crisis-pregnancy, the problem is the crisis, not the child.
So I listened to that girl, and I pointed that out to her. Even if you get your abortion, what is going to happen? You're just going back to where you come from!
When her "boyfriend" found out she was pregnant he broke up with her. Good riddance. (I agreed). Her problem is that she has 2 other little ones and she has problem to have them cared for when she works. My point is that this new little one already helped her get rid of that awful guy, now he could also be a great motivation to find a better solution to her working and day care schedule..
As bad as your situation is, "terminating" the baby is not going to help you, it just sends you right back where you come from. Whereas as a pregnant woman you can get much more help, and you get the motivation to get yourself out of bad situation...
Sometimes I get really upset at some unknown entity called media, or "society", or "culture", especially when I hear a mom telling me how hard it is to get food for her children, and how difficult it is to pay the bills: rent, electricity, cable, cell phone, nails... I mean since when the last three have become necessities ? Seriously? Your nails are on the list BEFORE feeding your children???
waouh. Just waouh.
My resolutions were:
-pray with consistency the complies. And if possible do it with DH.
- eat oatmeal for breakfast, no snacks and light dinners
-save money from outing and pick a charity to give it to
-no crap TV during lunch break
- + read the book of proverbs
well resolutions... lost somewhere...
-DH was gone for a week last week, and we haven't prayed together since!
- I eat oatmeal OR cheerios. ;)
- still not too much going out, only cheap places on Sunday. Last Sunday we went sushi, to celebrate Mr. L. coming home :) It may be a small donation anyway..
- no crap TV during lunch break. More or less kept this week. :) Only I turn on the TV in the afternoons sometimes (like around 5PM)
- book of Proverb 2 more chapter.
Actually this is not tooooooo bad.
2- Also I decided to spend more time with DH in the mornings, sometimes instead of getting up and going to church I stay home with him, cuddling and sleeping in.. It feels nice, it's a good time to be together and to start the day.
But I also realize how much I miss morning mass when I don't go for several days in a row. It's not that easy to be joyful and thankful... Also I go to a very private mass, just 5 people on big days, and there is no homely or anything, it's 20 min max, but we spend 10 min in silence before the last prayer, and that is a very good time for praying. :)
So now my next resolution would be to find a better balance between family life and morning mass!
3- I may work in the morning. For the afterschool program they could have tutoring at... 7:00 AM! The school is litteraly 2 blocks away from my house, and they kids are there anyway, waiting for school to start. Man, these are long days for the children!! We have them in the afterschool program from 2:30 PM to 6:00 or 6:30 PM. It's almost a 12 hours day! No wonder they are tired, impatients and not focused... I would do tutoring....hmmm I think I'll look into homeschooling ideas to make it fun. At least they could see it as a game :)
4- I lost 1 pound. Not much but still in the right direction. :) That's 5 pounds so far. :) 15 more to go! Today I saw a dermatologist (for my myriad of moles), I told her about the regular doctor telling me to lose weight, she said "oh yes, that would be good for you!!" Like duh! Yes you need to loose A LOT!
I was quite surprised.. I don't feel I'm that big... Sure I have some padding on the behind, but this is my personal reserve for winter and recession...
5- Tomorrow we go on with the art project. Finishing "Solomon Temple", and the sky, and a tree to hung all prayers... I'm really happy about it!
6- Thursday we start the discussion group with the teens. The teens in our program are awfully rude, disrespectful and crude. So we're going to give a try to the theology of the body for teens. Actually it's very broadly inspired, because we also want to include a lot about optimism, positive critism and responsabilities. These kids should be upset at all the injustice in the world, ready to rise and make a change, instead they are whining, complaining and insulting. Let's try something, can't get much worse right now. Sometimes all you need is a little thought provocation... Crossing fingers and praying hard!
7- I didn't report about EMC yesterday. I saw only one girl. We talked a lot (by we I mean she, I mostly listen and ask a few question to help her consider all options). And more than ever I try to follow 2 guide lines:
first Love. As simple as it sounds it's difficult for me to not look down at some people who make several poor decisions. It's very humbling to realize that I'm not better and to see how human and limited we all are...
second is that when you face a crisis-pregnancy, the problem is the crisis, not the child.
So I listened to that girl, and I pointed that out to her. Even if you get your abortion, what is going to happen? You're just going back to where you come from!
When her "boyfriend" found out she was pregnant he broke up with her. Good riddance. (I agreed). Her problem is that she has 2 other little ones and she has problem to have them cared for when she works. My point is that this new little one already helped her get rid of that awful guy, now he could also be a great motivation to find a better solution to her working and day care schedule..
As bad as your situation is, "terminating" the baby is not going to help you, it just sends you right back where you come from. Whereas as a pregnant woman you can get much more help, and you get the motivation to get yourself out of bad situation...
Sometimes I get really upset at some unknown entity called media, or "society", or "culture", especially when I hear a mom telling me how hard it is to get food for her children, and how difficult it is to pay the bills: rent, electricity, cable, cell phone, nails... I mean since when the last three have become necessities ? Seriously? Your nails are on the list BEFORE feeding your children???
waouh. Just waouh.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Dad
This is about my dad. I've been thinking about my family a lot lately. It's relieving to write down all those feelings... This is a little sad at some point, but look at the big picture. :)
I have a good relationship with my dad. it has not been always like that.
At some point I had no respect for him, I was just so upset at him, I was thinking life would be much better without him.
(I know it's awful, but I really thought that).
My dad has a few health problems. The hardest of all is a dysfunction of his nervous system, or something in his brain that gets unbalanced every now and then. It's unclear what it is, some call it generally mental illness, some say maniaco-depression, temporary dementia or schizophrenia. After superficially studying the subject I don't think schizophrenia is the right term for what he has...
The good part is that it's a illness, so it comes and goes. And when it goes my dad is FANTASTIC! :)
When I was a kid he stayed home. My mom was a teacher and she earned pretty well, without working crazy hours.
I had a very happy childhood. When you're a kid everything is normal.
We would go to walks in the woods as a family. And my father would show us wonders like how to sculpt in a stick to get a beautiful walking stick; how to built a cabana, how to lift an old log to find a world of insects, how to ask a tree before you climb in, without messing up the moss for the little elves.. That was really fun.
He was always very original.
One day mom was working later, and we had a pick-nick diner at home! We put the table cloth on the floor and ate sandwiches. :)
At school we had hot lunches in the cafeteria. But sometimes they served beef tongue!! ewwwwww grossssss... So my dad would take me to the pizzeria! :)
I know this is him, not his illness.
Sometimes he would get mad at us for being loud, and chase us.. He was utterly mad. I now know that that was him being sick.
I have no memories before I was 4 years old. But one of my first memories is my mother and him fighting in the car. I was scared, it was dark, we were going to visit my grand father far away in the Alps and I fell asleep in the car. The screaming woke me up, my sister told be to be quiet.
My mother didn't want to let him drive and he was crazy mad.
I don't remember what happened after that.. Until we get to my grand father's house. My father was not here, my mom was resting on a coach with a piece of meat on her face, because she had a black eye. I didn't understand for a very long time.
At some point my dad would leave us for a day or more, and wander around. Until he would be sent to an hospital.
As a kid I loved clinics. Especially the one in Villeneuve. Usually that meant there would not be screams and cries in the house for days or weeks, and we got to visit dad in a beautiful clinic, with a huge park. He was a little weird, like very docile. But we had great walks in the park, with all the trees and insects stuff. And we got cookies for snack. And my father would always hug my mother and they held hands.
Then at some point my father got a great friend, they would visit each other a lot. He lived a few blocks away. They would smoke so much. (Back in the 90's that was just plain normal). It was like having a great uncle. And my father was going to the hospital less often, maybe twice a year.
Then when I became a teenager I learned that my father was not normal. It was not normal to get in mad angers, and to go to the hospital, and to not go to work in the mornings and come back very late in the evening.
At some point in middle school I told some friends about my father being back from the hospital with medecines that make him very calm. And they made fun of me for months. That was probably the worst about the whole thing. This is when I hated him. I was so upset when my mom was crying or when he looked like a human-mop. I thought he had no will to change.
My mother was heroic all along. She knew he was sick, and she was determined to stay with him. I think at some point she should have looked for more separation. But that would have destroyed him I think. I believe my father won over his sickness because we were here to visit, because my mother would forgive him and focus on the happiness we had when he was fine.
Then we moved to the country side. I was already 18 years old. My sister moved in to her boyfriend's house. I understand her. But I'm glad I stayed with my parents. After the move, maybe the calm of our new village, or the great doctors around here, my father got sick only a few times since 2000. Maybe 5 times the first 3 years. And then less and less often. And since I moved to New York he has been home all the time. That was a big concern to me when I decided to move.
When my father has a crisis he has some kind of apprehension against my mother. When I was a kid or a teenager he would get violent, then he would just get paranoiac, he refused to take any medecine from her, or anything at all. He said she was poisoning him. He would also day-dream grandiose events, like he was a samurai, or a double agent for some special forces...
At that point I felt pity for him.
here is my father, in his writer corner.
My father is a poet. For real. :) He published one book. I personally don't like it, but oh well. I'm proud of him for his work, and for raising us. He was on and off but when he was on he was the best dad.
He would let us read harder books. As a kid himself he was not allowed to read everything and he was upset at that..
He is also a very funny person. When he goes on a diet he says :" the doctor told me to have only a soup for dinner" but his soup was full of mayonaise, croutons, bacon and such... Or "the doctor told me to have a yogurt in the evening" and he would eat the yogurt, with much simagres, and then have diner with us.
He was also very fun to hang out with on the market, he would buy 99cts stuff, like cookware, just because the seller was a nice guy starting up his business...
He is very generous. All the time, with anyone. WHen someone visit and likes something he often offers it. Like his lamp, or a book, or a teapot. He just says " I enjoyed it long enough. I'm glad someone else will enjoy it next".
Or he gives us money saying : "You will never be that young again". (that's kind of his motto). Or " you'll take your friend out for a coffee" (Indeed my friend as a teen didn't have money).
He is a very thoughtful person. And I think all in all he was a great father.
Here is a song that makes me cry every time I listen to it.
I love my father. It took me so long to realize it. But I'm very grateful he was part of my life, and I'm thankful my mother stayed with him.
I have a good relationship with my dad. it has not been always like that.
At some point I had no respect for him, I was just so upset at him, I was thinking life would be much better without him.
(I know it's awful, but I really thought that).
My dad has a few health problems. The hardest of all is a dysfunction of his nervous system, or something in his brain that gets unbalanced every now and then. It's unclear what it is, some call it generally mental illness, some say maniaco-depression, temporary dementia or schizophrenia. After superficially studying the subject I don't think schizophrenia is the right term for what he has...
The good part is that it's a illness, so it comes and goes. And when it goes my dad is FANTASTIC! :)
When I was a kid he stayed home. My mom was a teacher and she earned pretty well, without working crazy hours.
I had a very happy childhood. When you're a kid everything is normal.
We would go to walks in the woods as a family. And my father would show us wonders like how to sculpt in a stick to get a beautiful walking stick; how to built a cabana, how to lift an old log to find a world of insects, how to ask a tree before you climb in, without messing up the moss for the little elves.. That was really fun.
He was always very original.
One day mom was working later, and we had a pick-nick diner at home! We put the table cloth on the floor and ate sandwiches. :)
At school we had hot lunches in the cafeteria. But sometimes they served beef tongue!! ewwwwww grossssss... So my dad would take me to the pizzeria! :)
I know this is him, not his illness.
Sometimes he would get mad at us for being loud, and chase us.. He was utterly mad. I now know that that was him being sick.
I have no memories before I was 4 years old. But one of my first memories is my mother and him fighting in the car. I was scared, it was dark, we were going to visit my grand father far away in the Alps and I fell asleep in the car. The screaming woke me up, my sister told be to be quiet.
My mother didn't want to let him drive and he was crazy mad.
I don't remember what happened after that.. Until we get to my grand father's house. My father was not here, my mom was resting on a coach with a piece of meat on her face, because she had a black eye. I didn't understand for a very long time.
At some point my dad would leave us for a day or more, and wander around. Until he would be sent to an hospital.
As a kid I loved clinics. Especially the one in Villeneuve. Usually that meant there would not be screams and cries in the house for days or weeks, and we got to visit dad in a beautiful clinic, with a huge park. He was a little weird, like very docile. But we had great walks in the park, with all the trees and insects stuff. And we got cookies for snack. And my father would always hug my mother and they held hands.
Then at some point my father got a great friend, they would visit each other a lot. He lived a few blocks away. They would smoke so much. (Back in the 90's that was just plain normal). It was like having a great uncle. And my father was going to the hospital less often, maybe twice a year.
Then when I became a teenager I learned that my father was not normal. It was not normal to get in mad angers, and to go to the hospital, and to not go to work in the mornings and come back very late in the evening.
At some point in middle school I told some friends about my father being back from the hospital with medecines that make him very calm. And they made fun of me for months. That was probably the worst about the whole thing. This is when I hated him. I was so upset when my mom was crying or when he looked like a human-mop. I thought he had no will to change.
My mother was heroic all along. She knew he was sick, and she was determined to stay with him. I think at some point she should have looked for more separation. But that would have destroyed him I think. I believe my father won over his sickness because we were here to visit, because my mother would forgive him and focus on the happiness we had when he was fine.
Then we moved to the country side. I was already 18 years old. My sister moved in to her boyfriend's house. I understand her. But I'm glad I stayed with my parents. After the move, maybe the calm of our new village, or the great doctors around here, my father got sick only a few times since 2000. Maybe 5 times the first 3 years. And then less and less often. And since I moved to New York he has been home all the time. That was a big concern to me when I decided to move.
When my father has a crisis he has some kind of apprehension against my mother. When I was a kid or a teenager he would get violent, then he would just get paranoiac, he refused to take any medecine from her, or anything at all. He said she was poisoning him. He would also day-dream grandiose events, like he was a samurai, or a double agent for some special forces...
At that point I felt pity for him.
here is my father, in his writer corner.My father is a poet. For real. :) He published one book. I personally don't like it, but oh well. I'm proud of him for his work, and for raising us. He was on and off but when he was on he was the best dad.
He would let us read harder books. As a kid himself he was not allowed to read everything and he was upset at that..
He is also a very funny person. When he goes on a diet he says :" the doctor told me to have only a soup for dinner" but his soup was full of mayonaise, croutons, bacon and such... Or "the doctor told me to have a yogurt in the evening" and he would eat the yogurt, with much simagres, and then have diner with us.
He was also very fun to hang out with on the market, he would buy 99cts stuff, like cookware, just because the seller was a nice guy starting up his business...
He is very generous. All the time, with anyone. WHen someone visit and likes something he often offers it. Like his lamp, or a book, or a teapot. He just says " I enjoyed it long enough. I'm glad someone else will enjoy it next".
Or he gives us money saying : "You will never be that young again". (that's kind of his motto). Or " you'll take your friend out for a coffee" (Indeed my friend as a teen didn't have money).
He is a very thoughtful person. And I think all in all he was a great father.
Here is a song that makes me cry every time I listen to it.
I love my father. It took me so long to realize it. But I'm very grateful he was part of my life, and I'm thankful my mother stayed with him.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Do you have to choose between a good movie and an inspirational one?
I watched fireproof. i heard a lot about it and I wanted to see for myself.
To my own surprise, I liked it a lot.
Of course this is not the greatest movie ever, but I really really liked the style, the plot and the message. That was a good reflection of reality, with surprises, touching moments and the characters have some depth. (I said some).
I've read this very good review, and I agree with most of what he says.
I was surprised that the movie didn't seem pushy at all to me. It's obviously a "christian" movie, but I don't see why it's more shocking than a "mystery" movie. I think it's a genre of its own. The mystery movie involve a mystery to solve, the christian movie involve a value to defend.
I think fireproof does an excellent job in defending marriage. It's quite realistic. I see how a husband and wife can slowly drift away without even seeing it happen. And when they are apart they are "naturally" driven to divorce. It seems like a logical conclusion.
I see it all around everyday. Lately we received a new resident who has many problems. One of them is his relationship with his wife. They have only 4 years of marriage but they decided to divorce. When he picked up the papers he realized that was not going to be that easy (NY state laws doesn't allow divorce for irreconcilable differences). He was wondering why it's so difficult to get a divorce when it's so easy to get into a marriage...
I can't but agree with that. How come there is no preparation to marriage by the state? Only the church provides counseling and workshop... At least a list of recommended workshops and books would probably save some marriage.
During our marriage preparation I realized I had a communication problem. The preparation helped me express my feelings, and with some work on both parts I can safely say that we don't have big problems anymore.
Back to fireproof, the movie was partly criticized for mixing a conversion with the process of saving the marriage. And why not? I mean this is a fiction. And I think they're doing a very nice job at comparing the husband, complaining about his wife indifference, with God's love, rejected. I don't think it was that awful or repellent to non-believers. I think it explains very clearly the christian take on the world.
This being said I wouldn't call it the best movie of all times, but I really enjoyed it and it did its job to encourage me as a wife.
The website of the movie also promotes a book with tips to resuscitate your marriage. And why not? I mean every single movie comes out with side products, like Mc Donalds toys and books, so why not a fireproof book of advices?
And if it can help some couples.. all the better!
I mean come on people, stop critizing beyond reason. You can complain about the poor acting of some characters, or about the previsibility, but don't complain that the movie conveys a message, every movie does!
You don't want to hear it? Then don't watch it!
(for example I have no interest in watching facing the giants, or Marley and me.. )
One more review on the movie, which sounds a very fair one to me.
Have you seen Fireproof? What did you think of it?
(I've seen it on megavideo, but I'd gladly go to a theater!)
Also if you're looking for marriage tips I would recommend reading Chapman's the 5 languages of love, and trying out this website.
To my own surprise, I liked it a lot.
Of course this is not the greatest movie ever, but I really really liked the style, the plot and the message. That was a good reflection of reality, with surprises, touching moments and the characters have some depth. (I said some).
I've read this very good review, and I agree with most of what he says.
I was surprised that the movie didn't seem pushy at all to me. It's obviously a "christian" movie, but I don't see why it's more shocking than a "mystery" movie. I think it's a genre of its own. The mystery movie involve a mystery to solve, the christian movie involve a value to defend.
I think fireproof does an excellent job in defending marriage. It's quite realistic. I see how a husband and wife can slowly drift away without even seeing it happen. And when they are apart they are "naturally" driven to divorce. It seems like a logical conclusion.
I see it all around everyday. Lately we received a new resident who has many problems. One of them is his relationship with his wife. They have only 4 years of marriage but they decided to divorce. When he picked up the papers he realized that was not going to be that easy (NY state laws doesn't allow divorce for irreconcilable differences). He was wondering why it's so difficult to get a divorce when it's so easy to get into a marriage...
I can't but agree with that. How come there is no preparation to marriage by the state? Only the church provides counseling and workshop... At least a list of recommended workshops and books would probably save some marriage.
During our marriage preparation I realized I had a communication problem. The preparation helped me express my feelings, and with some work on both parts I can safely say that we don't have big problems anymore.
Back to fireproof, the movie was partly criticized for mixing a conversion with the process of saving the marriage. And why not? I mean this is a fiction. And I think they're doing a very nice job at comparing the husband, complaining about his wife indifference, with God's love, rejected. I don't think it was that awful or repellent to non-believers. I think it explains very clearly the christian take on the world.
This being said I wouldn't call it the best movie of all times, but I really enjoyed it and it did its job to encourage me as a wife.
The website of the movie also promotes a book with tips to resuscitate your marriage. And why not? I mean every single movie comes out with side products, like Mc Donalds toys and books, so why not a fireproof book of advices?And if it can help some couples.. all the better!
I mean come on people, stop critizing beyond reason. You can complain about the poor acting of some characters, or about the previsibility, but don't complain that the movie conveys a message, every movie does!
You don't want to hear it? Then don't watch it!
(for example I have no interest in watching facing the giants, or Marley and me.. )
One more review on the movie, which sounds a very fair one to me.
Have you seen Fireproof? What did you think of it?
(I've seen it on megavideo, but I'd gladly go to a theater!)
Also if you're looking for marriage tips I would recommend reading Chapman's the 5 languages of love, and trying out this website.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
the worst-case scenario: How I deal with money concerns...
... and any kind of concerns.When I feel worried about something, first of all, I take some quiet time: a morning walk, sitting down in a quiet room, in the restroom if I have no other option. I also try to cut myself away from anxious persons. Husband for example. If we are both worried and anxious, I know I will need at least 5 minutes by myself to clear my mind about it.
Then I analyze the situation: what's at stake? what is the worst case scenario? what is the second worst case scenario? What will probably happen?(optimists can add here a Best case scenario)
Only then I wonder what I can do about it. I review all resources possible, and options and solutions possible, even if they are only partial. And I do it for the different scenario mentioned above.
Once I find something I can do to limit bad consequences, or avoid the problem all together, I start whatever work it involves. Sometimes all you can do it wait and see... well then stop worrying, because that won't bring you anything. I know it's easier said than done, but you can really work on it:
-Focus on something that works in your life (family life, friends...)
-Learn more about your situation and ways to get help (like career counselors, money management workshops or websites).
At last, and with much precaution, I add a review of "what I COULD have done before..?" much precautions because you can't redo the past and my philosophy tends to be "assume and deal with it", "what's next?". BUT it's a good thing, sometimes, to get lessons from a bad decision, or to learn not to rely on this or that, or not to trust this particular person too easily..
So to sum it up:
step 1: get some quiet.
step 2: analyze the situation.
step 3: review your options.
step 4: act appropriately.
step 5: let time do its job and learn to relax.
(step 6: make a note to yourself so it doesn't happen again)
An example:
We are planning for a second celebration of our wedding, in France, with all my family.
Recently a big part of our budget has been jeopardized.
DH was really upset, nervous and anxious about that money. I totally understand him. He did the work he was asked to and doesn't see the money coming as scheduled. (Only a little part of it).
That was a bad evening for us. I felt bad for him, upset about his bad mood when I had so much to tell him, and I actually got anxious about it too.
step 1: the quiet.
we walked to the next train station. This gave me some quiet time. He was too worry to notice that we were both quiet. During that walk I took time to breathe, think about all the good things in my day, and analyze the situation.
Step 2: the analysis.
there is obviously an emotional level: "all work deserve salary". I felt bad that the payment my husband was expecting was delayed. He felt betrayed.
And there is the economic problem of course: how are we going to finance the celebration??
worst case scenario: we don't get the money. DH complains and somehow gets fired. (I know it sounds pretty dramatic but it could be a worst case scenario)
second worst case scenario: We don't get the money.
what will probably happen: we get part of the money on time. Or even all of it. :)
(yeah I'm an optimist).
As it's a lot of money (5000+) we were planning on using some of it to move, because DH has bad credit and I don't have any, cash would be our only way to get an apartment...
Step 3: our options
We quickly discarded the "fired" option, but we considered it. Mr. L. is lucky enough that his boss really needs him, and even things went THIS bad, he could find a job to live by while looking for a better employer.
I felt relieved that even in the worst of all scenarios the end result is fine.
Discussing it helped DH getting rid of some tensions.
Name your fears, face them, and they will lose most of their power on you. :)
What about worst #2: we don't get any more money.
Well let's see: we already bought our plane tickets, with previous savings. We already sent the invitations and we already booked a place and church. So we can't cancel. But on the bright side we still have some money on my french savings, and from family. We would need to cancel the jazz band and find a way to feed everyone on a tight budget, and we would not have pocket money to rent a car and visit while in France.
It doesn't sound that bad at all! Basically that would mean getting a computer for the music, and asking everyone to bring a dish to share. I think it's fine. :)
Then what will probably happen: we get the money a later than scheduled. Then we can prepare a nice buffet with some wine and cider, and get a band.
About the cash for appartement, we have a few more months ahead, so we can be very careful with savings in the meantime and get 6 months of rent in cash (instead of a full year). We can also reduce our ambitions about apartment.
Step 4: what can I do?
For each scenario I will need to communicate with my family in France, and get their help and advices. I would go with option 2 and 3 only. So I start planning with option 2, considering we won't get the rest of the money. I'm thinking of a way that is flexible enough, so that if/when money comes we can add things. :) For example I'm looking for someone to lend us a good sound system to plug on a computer, so we can have music anyway. And if we can hire the band we can still use the computer for a little cute slideshow..
I can tell Mr. L. all my thoughts so he doesn't get stuck in his bad feelings...
Step 5: relax.
Once you did your best according to your resources, learn to relax. If there is nothing more you can do, don't waste your time and energy feeling bad about it.
I felt good about my possible options. It was much harder for hubby, but we talked a lot, I rubbed his back a little. And he realized that what matters is to have a nice family gathering, even if we don't have a fun band to entertain, and if we eat only pasta salad on paper plates.
Step 6: lessons
Work on that saving funds. We now have some, but not enough in case of job loss or big illness.
Not to accept extra work from that person.
The worst case scenario method helps me a lot, on a weekly or daily basis, to feel better about my work or decisions. It also helps me keep in mind what really matters, because these are the things I can always rely on, no matter what: some personal skills, my husband, and my family.
It sounds weird to put personal skills on the same level as family, but really I do count on it.
For example if I lose my job, I can try to do French tutoring, I will have my husband's support, and if it's really bad we can go to my parents and start from scratch again. This gives me some confidence. And much happiness.
Here is how I learned about the worst case scenario:
Lord,
grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Mardi gras... too fat tuesday :( ?
Sigh... So I visited a doctor today. A very nice person. With my wonderful new last name came an insurance card, and some worries from Mr L. because my joints shouldn't be painful.. What? Not everyone can predict the weather with her knees?
So anyway I went to the doctor, complete check up.
He said he'll check my blood for arthritis and rheumatism.. And he told me to lose weight. Like 20 pounds! (read with desperate voice)
How on earth am I going to lose weight?
Seriously I eat healthy. I have a BIG appetite, but I eat really healthy most of the time. I do enjoy cookies and donuts, but donuts are very special treats, and cookies.. hm well maybe I actually don't eat that healthy in between meals... ;)
So my problem is the word diet. I just can't do it.
Once I tried weight-watchers, with DH, but after 2 weeks he gave up. I hanged in there an other 2 weeks, but it was just an other diet. (If you had a good experience with them, please share!)
I was enthusiast about WW because of their ad: stop dieting, start living. But I was all the more disappointed when I realized that was just an other diet. :(
The only time in my (not-so-long) life when I kept eating resolution was... LENT!
LOL how fitting is that! In 2003 when I prepared for my confirmation I followed the recommendations of Bircher (the muesli guy) to cleanse your body. I was really serious about confirmation preparation and I felt that I needed the discipline.
I didn't lose that much weight, but I "melted cheeks" and got an amazing skin.
It was difficult, but I kept Lent in mind, and I would pray 10 min before eating. That really helped me..
Now I don't think I could do it again (it was mostly oatmeal and raw veggies). But I'm glad Lent is starting, because that's probably the only way for me to stick to an eating discipline..
Encouragements are welcome!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
the reality is complex. (questions to ask yourself when facing unplanned pregnancy)
One more morning at EMC.
Today I met "Juliana" and her mom. Juliana just turned 14. She came in with her mother, wanting an abortion.
I also met "Barbara" and "Josh", a young couple in their early 20's, wanting abortion too.
Both "couples" were typical cases. And both were very complex. I mean EMC receive people like them everyday, young, afraid, misinformed... And despite every story is different, and never easy, there has not yet been a case when abortion is the best way out.
Juliana and her mom learned a lot about abortion procedures and adoption.. But more than anything younger expectant girls need help to communicate, they need to learn about their options.
It seems like the "logic" next step to any unplanned pregnancy is abortion. Sort of " you don't want this baby? get an abortion" Well we think people should stop and think before they act. Whatever their age and situation.
- are you sure you don't want this baby? (some girls actually WANT a baby)
- who could help you if you choose parenting? (family, associations, the baby's dad...)
- what do you know about abortion? what do you know about adoption?
-what do you know about the embryo/fetus development? It's especially important if you plan on an abortion, because some people have problem "terminating" a being with its own heart beat and brain waves...
-what if you get the abortion, and get pregnant again in three months?
-do you have friends, family, supporting you?
- think about how you picture yourself in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years. Think about it for each option.
- what do you know about post-abortion stress?
- have you ever thought that if you choose abortion today you may wonder " how old would my child be?" in 3 years, or 20 ?
and probably the most important one (IMO):
- will an abortion un-do the pregnancy?
know that nothing is the same again, whether you choose abortion, parenting or adoption.
Yes it's a lot to think about. But I know no crisis where an abortion is the best answer.
An other very interesting video to watch, you can check the facts for yourself
(Feminism & Bioethics: Beyond Reproduction
Today I met "Juliana" and her mom. Juliana just turned 14. She came in with her mother, wanting an abortion.
I also met "Barbara" and "Josh", a young couple in their early 20's, wanting abortion too.
Both "couples" were typical cases. And both were very complex. I mean EMC receive people like them everyday, young, afraid, misinformed... And despite every story is different, and never easy, there has not yet been a case when abortion is the best way out.
Juliana and her mom learned a lot about abortion procedures and adoption.. But more than anything younger expectant girls need help to communicate, they need to learn about their options.
It seems like the "logic" next step to any unplanned pregnancy is abortion. Sort of " you don't want this baby? get an abortion" Well we think people should stop and think before they act. Whatever their age and situation.
- are you sure you don't want this baby? (some girls actually WANT a baby)
- who could help you if you choose parenting? (family, associations, the baby's dad...)
- what do you know about abortion? what do you know about adoption?
-what do you know about the embryo/fetus development? It's especially important if you plan on an abortion, because some people have problem "terminating" a being with its own heart beat and brain waves...
-what if you get the abortion, and get pregnant again in three months?
-do you have friends, family, supporting you?
- think about how you picture yourself in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years. Think about it for each option.
- what do you know about post-abortion stress?
- have you ever thought that if you choose abortion today you may wonder " how old would my child be?" in 3 years, or 20 ?
and probably the most important one (IMO):
- will an abortion un-do the pregnancy?
know that nothing is the same again, whether you choose abortion, parenting or adoption.
Yes it's a lot to think about. But I know no crisis where an abortion is the best answer.
An other very interesting video to watch, you can check the facts for yourself
(Feminism & Bioethics: Beyond Reproduction
By Susan M. Wolf
Published by Oxford University Press US, 1996)
I think instead of talking about planned and unplanned parenthood, we should talk about responsible parenthood.
Because at the end it's all about responsability. When you have sex with someone of the opposite sex you take a chance to become a parent. Sometimes the chance is slim, sometimes it's much bigger... but it's there anyway.
The second couple I talked with today seemed very irresponsible at first. Especially the boyfriend. They have been together 3 years, and he has a one year old daughter with an other girl. And he had other girlfriends who had abortions and miscarriages. And they were taking the whole thing very lightly. Raising eyebrows and laughing.
Of course we look like the weirdos, we're suggesting abortion is not the best choice, when every where else they hear it's quick and easy.
We're also saying that 98% effectivness in birthcontrol means 2 out of 100 women who take birthcontrol for a year will get pregnant. It's just 2 out of a hundred, but how many women are taking birthcontrol? so that's how many pregnancies within a year?
Anyway I was getting really upset at this guy, who couldn't care less..
Then he was alone and I went back to talk with him. I wanted to know if he only cares about his current girl friend.. And we talked. He realized I was not some religious fanatic and I found out he was not a penis on legs (without heart or brain). We talked about recession, unemployment, his being adopted, babies needs,
hope for the future, what is a human being (are disabled people human? Are fetus humans just because of their DNA?) the problems with social assistance, the shame of welfare etc..
I was happy to meet the man, not the irresponsible kid. :)
Yes it's a difficult situation, but which is the better way out?
The question is not mine to answer, but I'm glad I could help him THINK about it, consider their options and get some perspective.
There is one sure about, more and more everyday: an abortion never undid the pregnancy.
It terminates the physical growing of the little one, not the crisis.
I think instead of talking about planned and unplanned parenthood, we should talk about responsible parenthood.
Because at the end it's all about responsability. When you have sex with someone of the opposite sex you take a chance to become a parent. Sometimes the chance is slim, sometimes it's much bigger... but it's there anyway.
The second couple I talked with today seemed very irresponsible at first. Especially the boyfriend. They have been together 3 years, and he has a one year old daughter with an other girl. And he had other girlfriends who had abortions and miscarriages. And they were taking the whole thing very lightly. Raising eyebrows and laughing.
Of course we look like the weirdos, we're suggesting abortion is not the best choice, when every where else they hear it's quick and easy.
We're also saying that 98% effectivness in birthcontrol means 2 out of 100 women who take birthcontrol for a year will get pregnant. It's just 2 out of a hundred, but how many women are taking birthcontrol? so that's how many pregnancies within a year?
Anyway I was getting really upset at this guy, who couldn't care less..
Then he was alone and I went back to talk with him. I wanted to know if he only cares about his current girl friend.. And we talked. He realized I was not some religious fanatic and I found out he was not a penis on legs (without heart or brain). We talked about recession, unemployment, his being adopted, babies needs,
hope for the future, what is a human being (are disabled people human? Are fetus humans just because of their DNA?) the problems with social assistance, the shame of welfare etc..I was happy to meet the man, not the irresponsible kid. :)
Yes it's a difficult situation, but which is the better way out?
The question is not mine to answer, but I'm glad I could help him THINK about it, consider their options and get some perspective.
There is one sure about, more and more everyday: an abortion never undid the pregnancy.
It terminates the physical growing of the little one, not the crisis.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
my love story with administration...
Just venting.
I went to get the extended version of my marriage certificate today, so I can register my marriage in France.
I left at 8:30AM.
The city clerk just moved in a new location. I'm so thankful I called last week to find out where they are now...
"(me) - can I get the new address please?
- (fast talking lady) sure 141 w**** street, main floor.
- I'm sorry can you say that again? 141 wall street?
- Yes 141 welss** street.
- I'm sorry I'm not sure I got the street right, wall street? W-A-L-L?
- Are you listening miss? I said W******* street W-O-R-T-H!!!!"
Anyway. So I get there. A big hall, with an empty "information" desk, and a bunch of computers, with the same screens as the social security. So I start trying to get my ticket, so I can get on line. I felt a little weird, so I ask the security guards if it's the right place, and the right thing to do. They send me to an other desk, where the lady send me to yet another place, who send me back to the first "information desk" I saw. But this time there are 2 ladies. I don't know at which moment they appeared..
I fill in some paper work, get the precious ticket and go on line. My number is B516.
Numbers called:
A020
B510
C240
I'm thinking: "youhou! there is only 5 persons before me!"
well I was called 1h10 after I got on line.
Numbers were
A046
B516
C263
So I get my precious paper, 35$. The lady (who, of course, speaks fast) give me a paper and yell something at me.
I'm surprised by her tone, and ask as politely as I can if she can repeat slowly.
I have two more places to visit, to certify my paper.
!!!???
Seriously? They just sold me a paper, but it's no worth before I get, not one, but two certifications on it. From two different offices, in two different buildings.
Welcome to America.
The paper she gave me are more instructions, addresses and fees for the following of the operations.
I make it to the next building. The supreme court. Waouh, I'm super impressed. Is it really necessary??
One more line (it's the theme of my day). For security. They take my camera.
I find the room where I'm supposed to get the first certification. One more line.
This is when my poor husband calls me, to ask if I join them to the inauguration party... hmm no, thanks I'm on my second line of the day. I have no idea how long this is going to take... Poor guy, he felt awful. Next time I'll remember not to answer the phone when my nerves are close to breakdown.
I got lucky, this line was fast, in about 10min it was my turn. I asked the lady why I needed this certification. She was very nice, but she couldn't answer, she said it's procedure. Anyway, she gently sends me to the next line, right there, to pay the fee!
The fee guy gives me printed instruction to walk to the next place.
At this point I'm laughing, this whole thing has turned into a treasure hunt!
And the people of the supreme court building are all extremely nice, polite and helpful. :)
Off I go again, for the third place on my list. I diligently follow the directions.
Outside are about 50 persons watching inauguration on giant screen. But I don't know how long the next line is going to take..
I pass by a dunkin donut. I love DD. I don't go often, but it just makes me feel good, cozy, comforted. Exactly what I need. :) I stop by. But after 30 seconds I realize the line isn't moving, at all. I don't know what we are all waiting for, and I realize this is maybe the one line I don't have to wait on. So I leave empty handed, but feeling good that I didn't stay on THAT line! na!
Next building, the reception man tells me I want an "apostille" on the 19th floor.
Ah? I didn't really know what I was getting. So here I go for my apostille. Security line (no x-ray this time, just sign a log book). I fill in more papers, to the counter, to the fee... What do you mean you take ONLY CASH??
Yes you guessed it, I have to go to the ATM and then come back. I'm glad I found out before I waited on line.
Anyway. I went to the bank, get some money transfered to DH account, get my cash, and back to the 19th floor. Security again, they remembered me :) not too many people over there.
I waited just 15 min to get my paper once I paid. But those 15 min were so long! At the end I was crying. My nerves gave up just after I paid the last fee. I thought I was in for an other hour or so, and I didn't have my cross stitch..
A nice morning off, wasted.
I'm especially upset because this is just paperwork. And all these security lines and papers and apostille and such are not any protection IMO. If you have bad intentions you'll find the weakness in the system. And if you don't have papers you'll get in through a less legal way...
I know I shouldn't take it personnal, but this is seriously ridiculous.
The worst is I'm not done yet. Now I still need to bring th paper to the embassy.
And then apply for a green card. O Joy.
I think the analogy with treasure hunting was the fun part of the day. Then it got borning, then I got desperate.
I need to find some better motivations for the work permit quest. Maybe a nice cross stitch project...
Tonight I have dance, that will help me relax!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
if you think something, say something...
I've been feeling lazy lately.
My working hours drive me nuts:
last Saturday 2:00-9:30 PM
Sunday 2:00-10:00PM
Monday 12:30-5:30 PM
Tuesday off
Today 2:00-10:00 PM
Thursday 2:00-6:00 PM
Friday 9:00- 5?
Saturday 12:00-6:00 PM
Sunday off
Monday 8:00 AM to 10:00 PM (Santa Day + Night supervision)
Tuesday off
and so on... did I mention that I'm a morning person?
I usually go to church in the morning, a little before 8:00 AM. This week I haven't not even once. I feel like "blaaaaaaaaaaah " in the mornings now. And still tired at 9PM... Ah poor me.
See now I feel better :) Venting is good :) And some silly music and dance video :)
Let's indulge some more in self conscious feelings.
I could call this post little betrayals, because I'm guilty of not telling.
I do not like working in the afternoons. But I don't stand up for myself. Once I told my boss I'd rather have morning shifts, doing some paper work or something... And that I couldn't do Sundays anymore. She convinced me there was no other way.
Now I'm bitter about this Sunday working thing, and resentful because other people do have earlier shifts :( And I'm really looking forward to getting a better visa so I can look for an other job.
Other things, much more important, are the things I don't tell my husband, it wouldn't be that hard but he's been very busy and stressed out lately. I don't tell him how upset I am that we still haven't send invitations for our "second" wedding in April, or that I wish he would do more around the house, or that he should work less, because instead of talking we now spend our evenings together trying to relax.
These are only little things, and they can wait, and they will probably get resolved by themselves, or maybe I'll just go ahead and print something for invitations, it won't be great but it'll be done...But then I feel like hiding stuff form him, and I know I shouldn't.
Luckily I married a wonderful guy who knows when I say "I'm fine" but I'm not.. I just wish it would be easier for me to speak up... or to find the right time to speak up.
My working hours drive me nuts:
last Saturday 2:00-9:30 PM
Sunday 2:00-10:00PM
Monday 12:30-5:30 PM
Tuesday off
Today 2:00-10:00 PM
Thursday 2:00-6:00 PM
Friday 9:00- 5?
Saturday 12:00-6:00 PM
Sunday off
Monday 8:00 AM to 10:00 PM (Santa Day + Night supervision)
Tuesday off
and so on... did I mention that I'm a morning person?
I usually go to church in the morning, a little before 8:00 AM. This week I haven't not even once. I feel like "blaaaaaaaaaaah " in the mornings now. And still tired at 9PM... Ah poor me.
See now I feel better :) Venting is good :) And some silly music and dance video :)
Let's indulge some more in self conscious feelings.
I could call this post little betrayals, because I'm guilty of not telling.
I do not like working in the afternoons. But I don't stand up for myself. Once I told my boss I'd rather have morning shifts, doing some paper work or something... And that I couldn't do Sundays anymore. She convinced me there was no other way.
Now I'm bitter about this Sunday working thing, and resentful because other people do have earlier shifts :( And I'm really looking forward to getting a better visa so I can look for an other job.
Other things, much more important, are the things I don't tell my husband, it wouldn't be that hard but he's been very busy and stressed out lately. I don't tell him how upset I am that we still haven't send invitations for our "second" wedding in April, or that I wish he would do more around the house, or that he should work less, because instead of talking we now spend our evenings together trying to relax.
These are only little things, and they can wait, and they will probably get resolved by themselves, or maybe I'll just go ahead and print something for invitations, it won't be great but it'll be done...But then I feel like hiding stuff form him, and I know I shouldn't.
Luckily I married a wonderful guy who knows when I say "I'm fine" but I'm not.. I just wish it would be easier for me to speak up... or to find the right time to speak up.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
if it's not a human being, what is it?
This friday I went to Boston (YOUHOU) it was fun and everything but I'd like to share a conversation I had on the way back.
I was reading an article in Newsweek called "Abortion wars gets technical..." (p39 if you want to see it)
Someone bent over me and says "@#$%@#&*%#$" showing me that quote:
" The [new] law requires physicians[..] to read [to the patient] that she is about to "terminate the life of a whole, separate, unique, living human being".
I was surprised by this reaction, I ask him which part of the quote he disagrees with and we come to the interesting point where I have to ask this amazed question:
" But if IT is not human, what is it?"
Yep, I had to ask that question, obviously I missed the part where we are not human before we are born, some magical DNA transformation must occur between day 1 and week 30 something,
or maybe it's the woman's vigina who clothes you with humanity...
Hold on, then how about C-section babies?
I don't know I must have missed something in biology class...
So how do you define a human being?
What makes us biologically human, if it's not DNA?
Anonymous: " I think human life starts when the heart beats, it's been this definition for a thousand years in many cultures"
Me: "... (surprised that for once this person totally ignores the DNA discoveries of this past decade, I mean century...) ok let's say human life begins when there is a heart beat (week 3?) then what is it before?
- I don't know.. it's animal.."
It's animal.
Well let me hope that my future foetuses won't get stuck in the doggy stage, I get really scared when they bark..
Ok this answer was slightly upset. But why should he be upset about that discussion?
My problem is that people who usually quote scientific research 5 times a day suddently ignore science facts when it comes to abortion questions, like an unborn embryo has a separate, unique set of DNA and only needs time and nutrients to develop.
Because it would imply too much to just admit that embryo are human lifes.
That would mean abortion terminates a human life.
That might even be wrong.
I'm fed up with the religious war (and I've been here only a year!). This has nothing to do with religion. It's science!
A baby is human, it doesn't become human with his first take of oxygene through lungs, it was human in the womb. It doesn't become human the day the mother says " I will keep IT". I'm sorry but this is not how it works. It's disturbing, I know, I've been there. Where you realize abortion is killing someone in the process of sending a woman "back to her life, just like before". Well no, now she is the mother of a dead foetus, and he died on her choice.
Some part of the above-quoted conversation was about me being biased because I'm catholic and I believe there is a soul for the baby before he exists.
Well even if you want to argue in theological field, there is no soul before there is a body. Human being are so precious because they have a body to express their person. We are no angel, every body knows it ;)
I mean this is so important whenever you have to ask the question: " what makes us human?" in front of a situation, that usually means something is wrong.
Well maybe there is some catholicism in thinking that human beings are worth giving it a try. They should all get a chance to live in decent condition.
Well hold on, if I ever become american I won't need to be catholic to agree with that, it's the first lines of your constitution!!
But there is no catholicism involve in the definition of a human being. It's a fact.
I was reading an article in Newsweek called "Abortion wars gets technical..." (p39 if you want to see it)
Someone bent over me and says "@#$%@#&*%#$" showing me that quote:
" The [new] law requires physicians[..] to read [to the patient] that she is about to "terminate the life of a whole, separate, unique, living human being".
I was surprised by this reaction, I ask him which part of the quote he disagrees with and we come to the interesting point where I have to ask this amazed question:
" But if IT is not human, what is it?"
Yep, I had to ask that question, obviously I missed the part where we are not human before we are born, some magical DNA transformation must occur between day 1 and week 30 something,
or maybe it's the woman's vigina who clothes you with humanity...
Hold on, then how about C-section babies?
I don't know I must have missed something in biology class...
So how do you define a human being?
What makes us biologically human, if it's not DNA?
Anonymous: " I think human life starts when the heart beats, it's been this definition for a thousand years in many cultures"
Me: "... (surprised that for once this person totally ignores the DNA discoveries of this past decade, I mean century...) ok let's say human life begins when there is a heart beat (week 3?) then what is it before?
- I don't know.. it's animal.."
It's animal.
Well let me hope that my future foetuses won't get stuck in the doggy stage, I get really scared when they bark..
Ok this answer was slightly upset. But why should he be upset about that discussion?
My problem is that people who usually quote scientific research 5 times a day suddently ignore science facts when it comes to abortion questions, like an unborn embryo has a separate, unique set of DNA and only needs time and nutrients to develop.
Because it would imply too much to just admit that embryo are human lifes.
That would mean abortion terminates a human life.
That might even be wrong.
I'm fed up with the religious war (and I've been here only a year!). This has nothing to do with religion. It's science!
A baby is human, it doesn't become human with his first take of oxygene through lungs, it was human in the womb. It doesn't become human the day the mother says " I will keep IT". I'm sorry but this is not how it works. It's disturbing, I know, I've been there. Where you realize abortion is killing someone in the process of sending a woman "back to her life, just like before". Well no, now she is the mother of a dead foetus, and he died on her choice.
Some part of the above-quoted conversation was about me being biased because I'm catholic and I believe there is a soul for the baby before he exists.
Well even if you want to argue in theological field, there is no soul before there is a body. Human being are so precious because they have a body to express their person. We are no angel, every body knows it ;)
I mean this is so important whenever you have to ask the question: " what makes us human?" in front of a situation, that usually means something is wrong.
Well maybe there is some catholicism in thinking that human beings are worth giving it a try. They should all get a chance to live in decent condition.
Well hold on, if I ever become american I won't need to be catholic to agree with that, it's the first lines of your constitution!!
But there is no catholicism involve in the definition of a human being. It's a fact.