first years of forever- Forgiveness

following on the review for " the first years of forever"

chapter 4: Forgiveness, the second essential

This chapter is a treasure! As I mentioned earlier I'm not good with forgiveness, I didn't know the impact of sincere apologies since very recently. And even when I say "I'm sorry", pride is always in the way... So that whole chapter was really good for me.(Doesn't make me a pro that easily either..)
" where else, but in marriage, could there be more opportunities to annoy, insult, offend or ruffle an other person? "
"forgiveness is a way of life. It's not keeping scores. It's not a feeling, it's a CHOICE you make" " Forgiveness is a promise: I won't bring it up to you again, I won't bring it up to others, I won't bring it up to myself"
" the four steps of forgiveness:
-choose, freely, to forgive
-make a promise to lift the burden of guilt from the other and remember the problem no more. Don't bring it up to him, to others, to yourself.
- Seal it with your behavior (= show love and a restored relationship)
- trust God"


>>> the book as a funny story to illustrate the process.. and more biblical references.
This was a really good reflection to me. Too often when I get hurt I want to hurt back somehow. And I tend to forget the last part mentioned here" don't bring it up to yourself". If I have a grief against someone, especially Mr L, I will bring it up to myself A LOT, and then look very upset or sad, to make HIM feel bad and guilty (because it works...). I guess I'm trying to get extra in comforting with this method. A lot of petting in the back and sweet talking...
But most of the time it doesn't actually work that way Both parties get upset and resentful, and too proud to admit it's not our best behavior...
So anyway I notice when I move on and SHOW affection and care, then I get affection and care back :) And everything goes much more smoothly.
The book goes on with the same little story, and shows what happens when there is forgiveness, and when there is not.
I also like the reminder " trust God". I'm usually very wary with books that involve quoting the Bible too much, because some have the bad habit to just give "advices" that are not practical, simply not for human beings, or advices given by people who care only about appearances and how you look. Not here. Of course point 3 is to "seal it with behavior". you'll notice they don't say " do as if nothing happened". They say behave appropriately for a restored relationship.
Don't bring up the past, but don' pretend nothing ever happened. See it as an occasion to move on, without the other feeling like he owes you tones (even if he does). They use the word "gracefully" I think it's very appropriate. Forgiveness can strengthen a relationship, resentment can destroy it. the advice to trust God is a good one, and very much logical here. It's necessary to trust God will help you forgive and really move on. I think here you pray to be free of resentment. Acting like you don't feel resentful may not be enough, and that could turn into hypocrisy and awful blow out later on...

I wish we would learn to forgive at school!

Although I couldn't even see it as a value before, only a reluctant necessity, Forgiveness is my new favorite value, and I need LOTS of practice. :)

roses in our lives

Trying to get into the habit of posting short but frequently...
I wish I would take time to journal instead of using the internet, but I realized I like getting comments, and linking things together with URL :)

Anyway. On wednesdays I go to Rikers for a praying group with a few inmates.
Rikers is an island, with only prison-buildings, each circled with many wires and walls and security posts. There is also a bunch of prefab for offices. Those have been around for decades (the priest I work with was there about 30 years ago and it didn't change since).
We went to ask a car-pass to get easier access with our own car, and in front of the office were the most beautiful rose-bushes I have ever seen. Very big, fully bloomed, with many more young roses coming up. So much beauty!

During the Bible group one inmate brought up his concerns: when he is in jail he is a very religious person, he takes time to pray, he has a straight life and everything is fine.. But then he comes out and forgets about it. And gets re-arrested.
It's easier to be faithful when you are apart from all temptations.
We talked about how there is a difference between a religion that is "around" you, and a religion that is "inside" of you.
If you become religious because, let's face it, there is nothing else better to do, then it will fade away as soon as you have something else in mind. (And all people say: "women!")
We talked about the reasons why we are religious. It's ok to start attending religous classes in jail (or anywhere) because you want company and something to do. It's plain human. But at some point the search for God has to become personal. At some point you need to radically change your life.
Radically, from latin radix= the root. You have to change your life from its very inside.
Not change as in becoming someone different, change as in getting a different orientation in who you are.

An old man I know was always saying: "Be a good friend, be like rain and sunshine on your friends. Rain and sunshine won't turn a cactus into a strawberry, but they will the cactus to grow to what it is meant to be."
I like this.

My favorite example is St Francis of Assisi. He wanted to be a knight. He even went on his way to a crusade. But after he turned his life to God he oriented this desire differently. He didn't lose this combative, almost provocative character, but it turned it to love. He decided to embrace the way of Lady Poverty... He took on ambitious projects, he was still very absolute in his way of life. Still himself, but oriented not for his own impulses, oriented towards the Holy Spirit.


My ministry is not to turn those guys into church ladies. Our ministry is to provide them with knowledge of their faith, to provoke questions and reflexions, and to pray together.
I hope that they will find an orientation and a meaning to their lives. A meaning that direct them towards what really matters: a stronger family, an optimist spirit, a servant heart.

my favorite sister...

For the week end of prayer for the vocations, Laura had the GREAT idea to post a small tribute to the religious people who made an impression on your life...

I will start with a favorite sister, I will be away this week end but I'd love to schedule an other one for Sunday...

Anyway here goes the story of how I met my favorite sister.

In college we had different buildings for the first two years and the following ones. When I arrived in the nice old building there was a catholic aumonerie across the street. I was tepidly christian, more interested than practicing, and certainly prompt to judge cathlic people, based on mostly ignorance and bad previous experience. I met there some great friends, and a wonderful priest (but that's an other story)..
Bref, during this year we went for a student's pilgrimage to Chartres

It was cool, fun and very spiritual. Truly a life changing experience for me. I went praying for two main intentions: getting some respect for my dad, and clearing things with my boyfriend (unsure as to getting engaged or not).
When I got back my dad quit smocking (the very first sign of will power I ever saw in him) and my boyfriend broke up with me.
Awkwardly that was the BEST month ever. It was Easter and I went to all celebrations...
My life became meaningful and interesting. I was really starting to believe in God and trust Him and it makes all the difference in the world..
"where is the sister? "you're asking... Hang in there one more minute we're getting there.

After that Palm Sunday pilgrimage we had such a good time that we (our little chapter of walk= 5 people) decided to go again, just by ourselves.
We planed the road, and looked for a place to spend the night.
I looked on the yellow pages for sisters to dwell us for a night.
Here I am calling a small community I had never heard of: Filles de Jesus de Kermaria
The lady on the phone had such a sweet voice. She was very soft and nice.
Turned out they just moved in and she barely knew her fellow sisters in the new community, but they took the risk to welcome us for one night.

The lady on the phone was sister Liliane. (YAY in doing this post I found there is a full article about her on their website!!)
She was the first sister I met who was glowing with joy and enthousiasm.
All 4 sisters were happy and positive, peaceful but full of personality.. They were just like every other human being, only a better version.
They really made an impression on me, and the following year when I went for a vocational year I spent a lot of time with them.
I went to Britany with them, for a 2 week stay in their retirment house, I even went to Cameroon to meet other younger sisters and the noviciat.
I would have loved to become one of them. I was somewhat on the way there...
Obviously God had other plans for me :)
But I received so much from their company, I somehow still try to follow their charism, just because it echoed so strongly with what I am deep inside.

Thanks sister Liliane for showing me how happiness is easy, how following God is a joyful way, no matter how hard it gets.

And because it's May I'll post the prayer I say every night, in communion with them:
(and I invite every one, which ever religion you have, to meditate on the "humility which frees us")

Mary, teach us to honour

the Sacred Humanity of your Son,

the Incarnate Word,

with no other desire

than to do the Father's will.

Help us to go forward,

using every available means

to grow in humility which frees us

and in simplicity which leads us to peace,

gentleness and confidence in God.

May we be united to Christ our Lord

and filled with his Spirit

so that we may seek

the Father's glory in all things.

May we, with living faith,

firm hope and glowing charity,

work with Him for the salvation of mankind.

Amen.

Abort the boyfriend, not the baby!

Today in EMC I had a talk with a counsellor. She was upset because there is an "ad" in a newspaper that says :" FREE ABORTIONS alternatives".
she says it's lying.
And I agree with her. 100%
So of course some people coma or call, asking for free abortion, and we have to explain them that we don't refer for abortions.
So I took the opportunity to tell her about my concerns when mentioning religious things to non-religious people.
So we agreed on how to talk and present things: whatever the guy who does advertisement presents we have to be upfront: we don't think abortion is the best choice to make, and we think that whatever a woman decides ultimately she should explore other options. Especially if you lean toward abortion, because there is no coming back. You can always chose between adoption and parenting, but if the fetus is dead, well there is not much choice left... And obviously that was not the best for him..

Anyway I listened to 2 ladies today. Both in their 20's.
The first one had a tummy tuck and esthetic surgery in DR last year. And she" can't afford" to have a baby now. She meant physically. We adviced her to get medical advice about it. The tummy tuck was more than a year ago, and I'm no doctor to tell if it will be life threatening or not, BUT if it was very dangerous for her to get pregnant then the doctor should have insisted a lot more on how babies are made.
We live in the ambiant lie that sex is for fun. It's not. Sexual relationships tie people together, AND IT CAN BRING LIFE.
I'm not pro-contraception, but if someone doesn't understand why chastity is good for them, and still wants to have sex and not get pregnant, I think they should by any mean be responsible about it.
I heard so many times: " I didn't ask for this baby.
- well, let's see, if you WANTED to get pregnant, what would you do different?"

if the answer is nothing, then maybe you get something to think about.
Anyway... Our first girl of the day was set up to have an abortion and she didn't want to think further about it.

The second girl I talked with came for an abortion as well. She is 20, she has 2 little girls 3 and 1 years old. She was with her boyfriend for 8 years. He has a drinking problem, and leaves her regularly only to come back a few months later.
That was after my conversation with the other counsellor, so when she said abortion we explained her as clearly as we could why we believe it's not a good option. Then we talked more, about her children, her job, her family. She had a very good relationship with an open family, with several sisters, and 7 nephews... So she can get support from them.. She also has a bad job: 5:30 AM to 8PM 6 days a week...
We suggested that she takes time to imagine her life for each option: abortion, adoption and parenting with this new baby: what will change, who could help etc.
And she smiled so much when evocating the parenting option. :) It was heart melting :)
So she gave it further reflection and saw how much she could make this baby into a new chance for her life. Passing GED, changing job, seperating definitively from the bad boyfriend, a new brother or sister for her girls etc.
Life is a blessing if you work with it, not against it. :)
Yes unplanned pregnancies are a drama, they are unfortunate, but are they really?
Don't they point out a change to make? A new plan for your life?

This girl was "transfigured". She left smiling, full of thinking and hopes for her life.
What will happen next no one knows. But I'm glad she just took the time to stop and think, and really imagin herself in each case, and find for herself where her heart goes.

Anyway the lessons of the day are for me:
-"choose life!" again and again this sentence echoes in my head as the motto of the freedom seeker I am... :)
and
-speak up. It's easy to blame things on others: I don't like prolife people because they're so republican, they're so hypocrits, they are this or that... I don't like religious people because they judge others, etc. Well don't let that stop you!
If you have beliefs, don't let others' people behavior stop you from saying your word on the topic. If you disagree with something your Church is doing, first of all learn more about it. And then SPEAK UP: say what you feel uncomfrotable with, and offer to help with it! Because guess what, you are this Church!

the worst-case scenario: How I deal with money concerns...

... and any kind of concerns.
When I feel worried about something, first of all, I take some quiet time: a morning walk, sitting down in a quiet room, in the restroom if I have no other option. I also try to cut myself away from anxious persons. Husband for example. If we are both worried and anxious, I know I will need at least 5 minutes by myself to clear my mind about it.

Then I analyze the situation: what's at stake? what is the worst case scenario? what is the second worst case scenario? What will probably happen?(optimists can add here a Best case scenario)
Only then I wonder what I can do about it. I review all resources possible, and options and solutions possible, even if they are only partial. And I do it for the different scenario mentioned above.
Once I find something I can do to limit bad consequences, or avoid the problem all together, I start whatever work it involves. Sometimes all you can do it wait and see... well then stop worrying, because that won't bring you anything. I know it's easier said than done, but you can really work on it:
-Focus on something that works in your life (family life, friends...)
-Learn more about your situation and ways to get help (like career counselors, money management workshops or websites).

At last, and with much precaution, I add a review of "what I COULD have done before..?" much precautions because you can't redo the past and my philosophy tends to be "assume and deal with it", "what's next?". BUT it's a good thing, sometimes, to get lessons from a bad decision, or to learn not to rely on this or that, or not to trust this particular person too easily..

So to sum it up:

step 1: get some quiet.
step 2: analyze the situation.
step 3: review your options.
step 4: act appropriately.
step 5: let time do its job and learn to relax.
(step 6: make a note to yourself so it doesn't happen again)

An example:
We are planning for a second celebration of our wedding, in France, with all my family.
Recently a big part of our budget has been jeopardized.
DH was really upset, nervous and anxious about that money. I totally understand him. He did the work he was asked to and doesn't see the money coming as scheduled. (Only a little part of it).
That was a bad evening for us. I felt bad for him, upset about his bad mood when I had so much to tell him, and I actually got anxious about it too.

step 1: the quiet.
we walked to the next train station. This gave me some quiet time. He was too worry to notice that we were both quiet. During that walk I took time to breathe, think about all the good things in my day, and analyze the situation.

Step 2: the analysis.
there is obviously an emotional level: "all work deserve salary". I felt bad that the payment my husband was expecting was delayed. He felt betrayed.
And there is the economic problem of course: how are we going to finance the celebration??
worst case scenario: we don't get the money. DH complains and somehow gets fired. (I know it sounds pretty dramatic but it could be a worst case scenario)
second worst case scenario: We don't get the money.
what will probably happen: we get part of the money on time. Or even all of it. :)
(yeah I'm an optimist).
As it's a lot of money (5000+) we were planning on using some of it to move, because DH has bad credit and I don't have any, cash would be our only way to get an apartment...

Step 3: our options

We quickly discarded the "fired" option, but we considered it. Mr. L. is lucky enough that his boss really needs him, and even things went THIS bad, he could find a job to live by while looking for a better employer.
I felt relieved that even in the worst of all scenarios the end result is fine.
Discussing it helped DH getting rid of some tensions.
Name your fears, face them, and they will lose most of their power on you. :)
What about worst #2: we don't get any more money.
Well let's see: we already bought our plane tickets, with previous savings. We already sent the invitations and we already booked a place and church. So we can't cancel. But on the bright side we still have some money on my french savings, and from family. We would need to cancel the jazz band and find a way to feed everyone on a tight budget, and we would not have pocket money to rent a car and visit while in France.
It doesn't sound that bad at all! Basically that would mean getting a computer for the music, and asking everyone to bring a dish to share. I think it's fine. :)

Then what will probably happen: we get the money a later than scheduled. Then we can prepare a nice buffet with some wine and cider, and get a band.

About the cash for appartement, we have a few more months ahead, so we can be very careful with savings in the meantime and get 6 months of rent in cash (instead of a full year). We can also reduce our ambitions about apartment.

Step 4: what can I do?
For each scenario I will need to communicate with my family in France, and get their help and advices. I would go with option 2 and 3 only. So I start planning with option 2, considering we won't get the rest of the money. I'm thinking of a way that is flexible enough, so that if/when money comes we can add things. :) For example I'm looking for someone to lend us a good sound system to plug on a computer, so we can have music anyway. And if we can hire the band we can still use the computer for a little cute slideshow..
I can tell Mr. L. all my thoughts so he doesn't get stuck in his bad feelings...

Step 5: relax.
Once you did your best according to your resources, learn to relax. If there is nothing more you can do, don't waste your time and energy feeling bad about it.
I felt good about my possible options. It was much harder for hubby, but we talked a lot, I rubbed his back a little. And he realized that what matters is to have a nice family gathering, even if we don't have a fun band to entertain, and if we eat only pasta salad on paper plates.

Step 6: lessons

Work on that saving funds. We now have some, but not enough in case of job loss or big illness.
Not to accept extra work from that person.


The worst case scenario method helps me a lot, on a weekly or daily basis, to feel better about my work or decisions. It also helps me keep in mind what really matters, because these are the things I can always rely on, no matter what: some personal skills, my husband, and my family.
It sounds weird to put personal skills on the same level as family, but really I do count on it.
For example if I lose my job, I can try to do French tutoring, I will have my husband's support, and if it's really bad we can go to my parents and start from scratch again. This gives me some confidence. And much happiness.

Here is how I learned about the worst case scenario:

Lord,
grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

the reality is complex. (questions to ask yourself when facing unplanned pregnancy)

One more morning at EMC.
Today I met "Juliana" and her mom. Juliana just turned 14. She came in with her mother, wanting an abortion.
I also met "Barbara" and "Josh", a young couple in their early 20's, wanting abortion too.

Both "couples" were typical cases. And both were very complex. I mean EMC receive people like them everyday, young, afraid, misinformed... And despite every story is different, and never easy, there has not yet been a case when abortion is the best way out.

Juliana and her mom learned a lot about abortion procedures and adoption.. But more than anything younger expectant girls need help to communicate, they need to learn about their options.
It seems like the "logic" next step to any unplanned pregnancy is abortion. Sort of " you don't want this baby? get an abortion" Well we think people should stop and think before they act. Whatever their age and situation.

- are you sure you don't want this baby? (some girls actually WANT a baby)
- who could help you if you choose parenting? (family, associations, the baby's dad...)
- what do you know about abortion? what do you know about adoption?
-what do you know about the embryo/fetus development? It's especially important if you plan on an abortion, because some people have problem "terminating" a being with its own heart beat and brain waves...
-what if you get the abortion, and get pregnant again in three months?
-do you have friends, family, supporting you?
- think about how you picture yourself in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years. Think about it for each option.
- what do you know about post-abortion stress?
- have you ever thought that if you choose abortion today you may wonder " how old would my child be?" in 3 years, or 20 ?

and probably the most important one (IMO):
- will an abortion un-do the pregnancy?
know that nothing is the same again, whether you choose abortion, parenting or adoption.

Yes it's a lot to think about. But I know no crisis where an abortion is the best answer.

An other very interesting video to watch, you can check the facts for yourself
(Feminism & Bioethics: Beyond Reproduction

By Susan M. Wolf

Published by Oxford University Press US, 1996)

I think instead of talking about planned and unplanned parenthood, we should talk about responsible parenthood.
Because at the end it's all about responsability. When you have sex with someone of the opposite sex you take a chance to become a parent. Sometimes the chance is slim, sometimes it's much bigger... but it's there anyway.

The second couple I talked with today seemed very irresponsible at first. Especially the boyfriend. They have been together 3 years, and he has a one year old daughter with an other girl. And he had other girlfriends who had abortions and miscarriages. And they were taking the whole thing very lightly. Raising eyebrows and laughing.
Of course we look like the weirdos, we're suggesting abortion is not the best choice, when every where else they hear it's quick and easy.
We're also saying that 98% effectivness in birthcontrol means 2 out of 100 women who take birthcontrol for a year will get pregnant. It's just 2 out of a hundred, but how many women are taking birthcontrol? so that's how many pregnancies within a year?

Anyway I was getting really upset at this guy, who couldn't care less..
Then he was alone and I went back to talk with him. I wanted to know if he only cares about his current girl friend.. And we talked. He realized I was not some religious fanatic and I found out he was not a penis on legs (without heart or brain). We talked about recession, unemployment, his being adopted, babies needs, hope for the future, what is a human being (are disabled people human? Are fetus humans just because of their DNA?) the problems with social assistance, the shame of welfare etc..
I was happy to meet the man, not the irresponsible kid. :)
Yes it's a difficult situation, but which is the better way out?
The question is not mine to answer, but I'm glad I could help him THINK about it, consider their options and get some perspective.
There is one sure about, more and more everyday: an abortion never undid the pregnancy.
It terminates the physical growing of the little one, not the crisis.

first few months at my new school :)

I started the school of marriage in October.
I've learn many things since then.
I don't want to do too much of : " look-how-great-my-hubby-is" but still we've already gone a long way!

I've learn to communicate, especially when I'm upset, especially when I feel offended and would like to sulk for the rest of the year (nah!). I'm still not getting good grades in communication, but hey you have to start somewhere. Right now I reduced the sulking time to 30 min or less... AND I sometimes take the initiative of telling that something made me feel bad, instead of waiting the inevitable question: " are you sure you're ok? Because you look upset"

I've learn to share.
This has been a real surprise, because I thought I was sharing easily.
But when it comes to food we both had to learn to relax and share.. :)

I've learn to let go.
It's ok if the dinner is not ready when i would like to eat something... or if the clothes are not in the laundry basket every night. We have to adapt to each other's habits, there are some things he got used to (like making the bed) and I had to learn to adapt to his standards too (like sitting soflty! :) )

I've learned to be patient, with myself and with others.
I thought I was doing good, and I realized I could be so selfish. Being married just a few months opened my eyes on all I still have to learn!
But I know I'm in the right school.

changing the world, one person at a time

I like that kind of motto for schools. I saw it a couple times on T shirts in our After school program. I wonder if I would even dare say it, but our organization tries to do the same.
We try to make each of our guys feel important, and respectable. It takes time, and energy, and lots of faith and hope. Some of them are hiding deep under a mask of toughness. Some hang on their shattering references: money, power or lust...
The most important step towards reinsertion (and non-recidive!), is self-respect. Once their image of themselves changes for a better one, everything is possible.

Today I have a group of teens. We're going to start the structured part of a sharing group about the theology of the body. We had a informal session at the end of November, to show them some short movies with Jason Evert to present the program, and they were asking for more... Theology of the body for teens is a form of sexual education from the catholic Church. But it's so much more than this. It's a great tool to talk about difficult topics like the sense in Life, in death, the difference between lust and love, what is a healthy relationship... and self respect.
All of that without shame, fear or guilt.
Sounds almost too good to be true... I read the curriculum and it totally makes sense to me. I hope the teens we see today will enjoy it and think about it.

Well I wonder if I have been clear enough, the message here is for all parents, god parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents... Anyone who has a special educational link with a teenager: Self-respect should be the number one value to pass on. A youth with self-respect is armed for life.
I would personally link it to faith, because it's obvious to me, but insist on it even if you're agnostic or atheist (and many teens are going through this). In this regard little things become important, when I get a present for my goddaughter or my cousin, the first question I ask myself is: "is this going to strengthen or lessen her self-image?"

Now my good resolution for 2009 would be to be more attentive to our residents. To look at them, especially the youngers like Burt, like I would at my cousin, with more caring, and more good will.

Any advice welcome...

update on Burt

Our friend Burt's case was discussed thoroughly during our last residential meeting.
Burt is our resident who missed phone curfew so many time that we decided to refuse him the night pass from now on.
Problem: we're preparing him for a responsible independent life, in a few months he's gonna be out and about all night if he wishes so.
But right now we're legally tied with a curfew that he does n't take seriously.
On top of that he is doing pretty good every where else: finished 2 formations, actively looking for a job, helping around, punctual in daytime whereabouts...

We considered giving him one more chance for a night pass. But his principal counselor opposed. She said: "if we let him go home again, we put him in a position of failing curfew again. It's not a solution."
She was so right. So we decided to give him an extra day pass. Now he can go twice a week, during day time, to spend time with his daughter, or girlfriend, or both...
A good compromise that doesn't put him in position to fail again, and aknowledge some progress despite his missed curfews.

For the 3 kings we handed out 500 pieces puzzles to the kids. Burt took one because he was bored (job search is taking longer than expected..). So anyway he was desperate to finish the puzzle, his counselor and I showed him a few tricks and techniques and he was SO proud when it was done :)
He now did 2 other puzzles.
I'm both happy and sad. Happy to see him taking an interest in something, succeeding in something difficult, he has learning disabilities, is a very slow reader, and it's such a handicap in everyday life... But I'm a little saddened when I see how much he craves for recognition, encouragement and self esteem.
It's like his only features so far have been:
-I'm young and sexy,
-I'm strong (somewhat)
-I'm part of a group
-I can be threatening.

I really hope this puzzle thing helps him realize there is so much more to his life...

Our other guys are doing fine. The most ready to go is the family father. He is really responsible. he now goes home 4 nights a week. Never missed a curfew.
I'm happy when I see it's going somewhere. It's been so hard last year when we had mainly desperate teens. Our program needs hope to work, hope and will to change.
Supporting families really do make a huge difference. they provide encouragement, motivation, and give life an immediate sense.

the new year's eve miracle :)

Happy new year every one!
May you year bring you fulfilling relationships and serenity!

I spent part of new year's eve at work. I brought brownies, steaks and some veggies to cook for the residents. And also a Hogmanay's black bun that I didn't have time to bake at home.
Actually most of the residents had a night pass to spend the new year with their families. And Sam had an extended permission, to come home at 9PM. SO I ended up alone with Burt.
Burt is a young american guy, he is 21 years old. He has learning disabilities and cannot read very well. he did 6th grade four times before he quit school for his first incarceration. Then in and out. His mom is very harsh on him, she calls him "failure" or "stupid". I'm not trying to give him excuses, but I still think bad decisions start with lack of self-confidence, self-respect and a stable source of love.
So anyway Burt got night pass in the past to stay with his mom or girlfriend (and their 3 years old daughter), but he missed many curfews. As in:
we call our residents at home, on their landline, to make sure they stay home after 9:00PM. We required to do so by the court. I think it's a smart way to reduce occasion of problems.. Anyway Burt misses his curfews. He usually answers the phone at 9:00 PM, but when we call back at 10:00 or 11:00, his mom cannot find him.
On Christmas he went out with "a girl". Because " he is a pretty boy in his prime, he is not gay, he needs to have a girl". Obviously not his girlfriend because we called there too (just in case).
So anyway Burt had to stay home yesterday, and he was upset. He thinks it's an unfair punishment for just a missed phone call. We tried to explain him that this phone call is our only guarantee (if any) that he is not out getting in trouble.. He just doesn't get it. Phonecall.is.not.a.big.deal. He was genuinely doing nothing wrong (could be discussed... but nothing illegal at least).
So here I was with Burt. He was sulking, watching TV, ignoring me and my attempts to cheer him up.
Then the sisters came downstairs (they live on the last floor, in the house) and warmed up what I brought (steaks and hashbrowns) they also brought ketchup.
Miracle ketchup. Burt smiled and said: " oh I didn't know we had ketchup"
and we set up the table in the residents' living room, and ate a little, just Burt, E. sister R. and me.
I think Burt was happy to see a special occasion, just for him, and ketchup was a sign :)
We usually eat downstairs, in the cafetaria, because it's closer ot the stove. We ate all the 4 of us and sister R. did the chit-chat.
Burt was thankful. He complimented me for the cooking (!) and said thank you (!!!!). He even thanked E. again after I left!!
This is my new year's eve miracle. Because Burt is not a thankful person. He is always considering himself like a victime, thinking we try to put him down.
I hope he slowly gets that we care, and we try to help..
That really gave hope for a better 2009.

going facebook free

I deactivated my facebook account today. I'm quite happy with it. It asked me for a reason. I'm not sure I have one precise. I just realized I didn't get anything else out of it.
Here is the positive I got out of it, and what I'd rather do:
-1- See what happened to old friends, stalk on their pictures... Keep in touch with my friends. If I don't have their phone number or personal emails, maybe they are not so much my friends...
- 2- join some causes I didn't do anything for... Get more involved in the organizations I work for, or volunteer with.
-3- Flair/bumper stickers.. I may miss that.
- 4- Discussion forum on the NFP group... Delphi forum discussion!! :)
-5- See my husband's twitter updates... Well I see my husband every night, I can spend more time rubbing his feet and listening to his day :)
The only thing that kept me that long was to collect people's email. Until I realized #2. Also I made some friends with #4. But those who became my friends have now other ways to connect with me..
- do you see anything else I will miss on Facebook?
Because I don't.

break free from the pack

I saw that commercial the other day on TV.
It's interesting. Esthetically it's a great commercial, very good catch. Very graphic, straight to the point.
It's a fun commercial to watch mindlessly.
But then your brain wakes up: starting after 0:16 s for the written comments, and 0:30s for the speech, all you hear and see are warnings of SERIOUS side effects.
It's like the lady is leaving her old routine of daily pill (with some interesting cardio-vascular risks)for a new routine of the ring. She is getting into the same swimming pool full of side effects...
Is it really worth it?
Is this really freedom? to choose between the pill and the ring? to go from a risk of heart attack to an other one??

I think my fertility is NOT a monstrous disease to keep as far as possible.
I know how my body works, I work with it. I don't need shots and drugs to postpone getting pregnant!
When I see that kind of commercial I wonder where the feminists are...
This just makes me sick! A woman should be always infertile so she can be available for sex.
But where are the pills for men?
Why should the woman deliberately become sterile to be sexually active without "risking a pregnancy", but not the man?

When my brain wakes up after that commercial I get really upset. Because where I grew up we were taught about birth control even before our period started, we were trained to chose a birth control method long before we even had thoughts about sex... I took the pill as a teenager, I didn't know about the side effects, I didn't know about its efficiency (or non-efficiency) rate. I just did what I was supposed to because I was old enough to do so. Now I think I was manipulated. Birth control is a big market. Natural ways are free, they won't bring money to big pharmaceutic companies...

Now I'm fertile, and proud to chose what is best for me, knowingly. :)
Wow "I'm fertile" almost sounds gross...

Update:
I just found a great great update of commercial, a parody of birth control pill...

Mike is gone

The Alternative to Incarceration program I work in is based on will to change, and personal efforts from our residents. We trust them, as much as possible. They are here on their free will, and they have been offered an alternative. Even if most of the time the "alternative" is jail...
On these principles we control our guys, but we also give them some freedom.
Freedom to get a job, or a formation. To receive family visit, or to go visit them after some time in the program. Freedom to go out and get paperwork done, to go visit a doctor.
They plan all those events with an individual counselor, and mark the times in and out in a big register at the entrance.

Yesterday Mike didn't come back.

Sometimes one of our guys is late. But when he was 2 hours late I started worrying and warned the "boss". She said she was sadly only half surprised...
9PM is the curfew, we must send letter to Court if anyone is out after that time.
Mike called at 8:55PM. He said he had a family emergency upstate.
We called his father. They don't have family upstate... One more lie.

I don't know what will happen to him.
A warrant should be out for him by now.
He'll probably get back to jail, with increased sentence...

I feel sorry for him. Not that he left. Not that he will go to jail. These are his choices.
I feel sorry that he didn't try more. That he doesn't have more respect for himself, or for those (very few) who care for him. I feel sorry to see someone stuck in destructive behavior. As if he was wondering how bad it can get...

D- 2 weeks!

Friday night we went to a young married couple group in his church.
the theme was " how to crave time for your partner in a crazy NYC life" or something like that.
It went great :)
If I could remember only one thing that would be what the pastor said at some point: " In our lives we have many things going on: work, hobbies, family, in-laws, children etc. We cannot be there 100% for everybody all the time. At some point you are going to let someone down. Make sure that day that it's not your wife (/husband). Sure your boss, coworker etc. will be upset that you leave at 5pm every night, and even at 4 pm that day for this or that... But don't let your partner down, it's the one thing you should always have as priority on your mind."

He said a few other things like saving a date every week, and some other tips of that kind. But what I noticed was that "you're going to let someone down, who is it going to be?"
I realized that I've been too easy to accept extra hours.
I'm working every Saturdays, and one Sunday a month. It's fine for me, but that means only 3 days every month that I can spend with Phil. 3 days a month. Now that's letting someone down!
So I decided to put this saying to application: "no one is irreplaceable." And the week end after our wedding we'll go on a week end!
2 whole days! Yay!

So wedding preparations summary, D-2 weeks:

- picking up dress tomorrow :)
- making church booklets right now
- preparing invites for a house warming party, because not all our friend scan make it to the diner a monday night! :)
- wearing shoes to get used to them :)
- half a rosary everyday so far! I really try to do it all, but wherever, whenever I start, something comes up to bring it to a end... still not giving up.
I know I can do it!
- for spiritual prep I'm also listening to "contraception, why not?" As in why it's not so great... to keep the euphemism...
Actually we already decided to follow NFP for various and broad reasons. I'm really enthusiastic about that decision. We'll see how different from theory the real practice is...
Well I'm not really happy with that CD. Must be part of a cultural difference because I felt exactly the same way in reading "good news about sex and marriage". disappointed. I feel almost attacked by these CD and books that try to guilt you into "conversion". Well, hello! I'm already into it!!
Why would I listen to that CD otherwise!!!????

anyway...
I switch to "deciding family size" and I start to love this woman :)

"there are positive obligations, that are not constrictive but liberating: you shall not steal. These obligations give us guidelines."
Thanks.

censured

Good day at work! :)
I was on night supervision yesterday and that went great! The first good evening in a while! And that felt good. :)
Nothing extraordinary, but actually that's what makes it good ;)
doesn't mean the week was great for our guys, but at least yesterday night was back on tracks.
During our weekly meeting we decided to censure "the wire". the new coordinator of the program got a netflix account for our residents, but we decided that they couldn't queue whatever they like. Recently they were watching "the wire" and all of the staff members agreed that it's promoting bad behaviors.
Some of our residents are very young and immature, and desperately in need for role models, and it seems that watching this TV show comforts them in their idealized image of who they should look like...
Yes they seriously think this is soooooooo cooooooooollllll man!
well how to say that.. my 6 years old nephew agrees. ;)

So we already had to explain why they can't wear caps and Du-rags all the time...

I feel sorry that we have to censure so much. Sometimes I seriously wonder if it's so bad to wear a cap inside, or to watch a tv show that thousands of others watch.
How would I feel if someone tells me I can't watch House anymore??? Or that I can't wear jewelery or whatever...

But then I realize that what I watch and wear are not harmful to me.
Watching tv shows about drug dealers and wearing Du Rag keep them in a "ghetto" state of mind, which brought them in trouble at the first place.

Sure we are not going to restrict everything, we didn't care about Melvin wearing a Du-rag until one night they were all wearing one... just like a new kind of uniform!

So yeah I'm not very proud we had to censure a tv show.. but I think that was the best decision in this configuration.
One of my co-workers has been working a detox center in Peru, and she said she saw many people falling back in drugs when a popular TV show came out about a drug dealer's life... I know, Peru doesn't sound like they would have that kind of TV shows before the US, but seems like they did!!

so anyway I'm still thinking about it. Censured. What else could we do?
Teach them on which criteria it's fun to watch TV and when you know it influences you in a bad way..? well then they wouldn't be in our program, right?
That would be a sign of great succes: when one can define his own limits :)
see freedom shows up again, just when we talk about limits... :)

marriage is freedom

Yes. I believe so.
I'm not talking here about "open marriage" where partners decide "it's ok to have affair", this is not my vision of marriage.
I think marriage is freedom because it's a choice you make, a decision that gives you the liberty to focus on what matters.
It may seem obvious, but making choices enable you to go much further, and I feel that many people don't see it that way anymore...
Once you got married you're free to put your energy into making it work :)
You're free to make plans on short, middle and long terms. :)

Where I work we have a little blanket that says:" Freedom is not free."
I can't agree more.
As teenager I went through a phase where I thought freedom was "whatever I want, whenever I want".
But I had great parents and they gave me responsibilities. You cannot get one without the other. - freedom and responsibilities, but that works also for parents if they do their best ;)

Yesterday I was working evening with our guys. Remarkably quiet as they go serious meeting, involving whatever parenting figure who could contact for them... Bref, the news were on and they were talking about this potential-debts-annulment, one of them said " Oh I wish that would pass, that would erase my debts!!".
He doesn't have a very big debt, in this case I think that would be worse to erase his debt. Not that I want him "punished" but some day you have to face the consequences of your acts, and paying back a debt is a good way to realise what money is worth... I think letting people think that it doesn't matter so much is misleading.
In working here one year I've learned many things, one of them is to give structure. To keep the big picture in mind, then everything else falls into place, then all little rules make sense...

Marriage is a structure. That gives you a frame so you can define more clearly what you expect, what to do and how. It's very reassuring and empowering.

Here is a post on the simple dollar that conforts me in that motto" marriage is freedom". I can't tell how much I enjoy this blog!

Where exactly do you want to be in five years? Just stop for a second and think about where you want to be in five years. What would you like for your life to be like?

As you think about this, be realistic, but don’t worry about whether you can afford the stuff, either. Don’t envision yachts, but don’t sweat whether you can afford the details.

Here are a few things to think about.

Will you be married?
Will you have children? How many? How old?
Will you own a house?
What will your job be like? Or will you own a small business?
Where will you live?
How will you transport yourself around?
What’s the best-case scenario you can imagine about your debt? Your savings?

You can add in as many details to this as you like - actually, the more details you add, the better.

So let's do it:
In 5 years from now I will be married, I will have children. I hope for 2 and one on the way. so 2 yo and 1 yo. I like the idea of having kids close in age, but let's see with the first one before I talk too fast... :)
We will live in Chicago in an appartement or house, with backyard. Own it, as in paying back mortgage I guess.
Phil will be done with physics, working in that area. I will work part time either in ATI or library. We will use public transportation, bikes and walking. We will have a car insured for 1 day a week (Phil talked to me about that the other day, I think it's great to go on week ends!!)
We will have paid back his old school debt and should be done with any new one as we'll work during his studies to limit it.

As I recently got some readers, I ask you who's reading this: what about you?

thurday meetings

So on Thursdays we have a weekly meeting for the ATI program.
It's a time to sum up the week, give authorizations for who's going home Saturday night, talk about our concerns and... vent.

We start with general points, such as " how to get our residents eat healthier?" or " how to share the chores so that the house stays clean?" sounds easy but trust me this is not.
Our objective is to help everyone take responsibilities and to have the best atmosphere in the house.
Yesterday, as every at every meeting for about a month, we all expressed concerns about one of our residents, let's call him Mike.
He's been here for about 2 months but he hates the program (in his own terms).
His behavior is the one of a teenager, well not all teens are like this, but when you picture the bad years of growing up you get something like: blame your problems on the rest of the world, expect others to serve you, think you're better, smarter (and so on), talking back when feel miserable and reluctant to everything.
I feel bad for Mike. He is sad and hurt from what happened in his life, but we cannot excuse him. Yes a program like ours would do him good, if only he would condescend to be part of it, to take it seriously.
The decision doesn't belong to me, but Mike may be dismissed. And I would agree. As much as I think he could take benefits out of this program, I cannot do it for him. And right now his attitude is jeopardizing the program for the rest of our residents. We notice a deterioration of behavior among the younger, and a bad attitude towards staff and their own changes generally speaking.
Dismissing Mike is not a hard decision to make, it's obviously the way to go.
But I still feel sorry, as if we failed somewhere. This person doesn't seem to know what it is like to have someone who loves you and cares for you, I wish we could have showed him. But what can you do when someone shut the rest of the world out..?

"See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction [...]This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.
Now choose life,
so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him." (Dt 19)

For a long time I couldn't understand how we are free to choose if God says " choose life!" Why couldn't I pick death? what was wrong with death?
Not that I had suicidal tendencies, but I was preoccupied with human freedom, where's the choice, where is the freedom, if someone tells you what to choose?
Now I understand better..
It's an advice :)
Why would you pick the sufferings and death when choosing life is up to you.
It's right there in front of you! Stop blaming others, stop being passive in your own life!
Freedom is not that you can choose death, freedom is that life is right here and you can go in that direction. Now when I read " Now choose life!" I read it like a desperate call from God, who can't choose for us. He can choose to share death with us, but he cannot prevent our dying.

Anyway I didn't mean to put religion in this post, but it makes sense to me. I don't want to mix too much religion with work. But in the meantime religion is waht lead me to work here...

I'll probably write more about freedom soon again though.