looooong birth story... and a c-section

This is a little bit of a woe me story as the birth was actually quite traumatic for me, and the time leading to it pretty heavy emotionally..
But it feels good to vent.
I am even more grateful to Morgan now for her blog posts about C-sections :)
and thanks to Kate who updated the board and go people praying for me..
I'd rather not share the whole story on the board though as it is pretty long and whiny..
But it does feel good to vent!
:)


Episode 1 began at the end of june, when I was diagnostized with pre-ecclampsia.
After a few days in the hospital et 2 inductions I went home stabilized.
I went back the following Friday for check up and they let me go home again for the week end.
We had a fantastic 4th of July! We invited some friends from the parish and the landlords-neighbors and everyone had a great time. :)

Monday they were supposed to keep me but there were too many women in labor, too busy, they couldn't take care of me and sent me home.
Tuesday they admitted me and decided it was time to re-induce. But for some reason they didn't start any procedure that day. So I was just there, waiting...
Tuesday night I had my first "light dinner" of a long series..

Tuesday went by very slowly. I was excited and hopeful and a little anxious. They had told me I would have my baby that week, I wasn't sure of the level of emergency..
Pre-ecclampsia is serious but my case was stable and the baby wasn't in danger so I guessed we could keep going on until due date..

Wednesday I had a new try at induction, it was an uncomfortable procedure to "mature my cervix" in the hope it would either induce labor or open enough that they could move on to a pitocin IV.
I did get contractions, but nothing too strong.
In the evening I got my regular blood pressure medication plus an extra relaxing one to stop contractions. Sounds weird, but they said if labor had started nothing would stop it, and if it hadn't we may as well get rid of the inefficient contractions and have a good night, in hope of a big day later on..

Thursday morning they check my cervix, no change (barely open, still long and posterior..). I received a dose of gel, a hormonal gel which is suppose to reproduce the hormone that starts labor. As I was "damaged" from all the previous procedures it was burning a bit.. :/
After 6 hours they checked again, it went from barely open to barely open and a half, longish and mid way.. At that point I took it as a sign of progress...
they gave me a second dose. It burnt a bit more but I did start to have stronger contractions in the evening.. I had higher hopes by night time when it started to feel really low and more painful.. I decided to rest as much as possible and fell asleep.. so did the contractions :(

Thursday was especially hard morally. I fell so bad, like I did something wrong and it was my fault the baby wouldn't come.. It was hard also because in the early evening the monito was showing nice regular begining of labor but I was not in pain so everyone was hesitant as to what would happen.
It had been 3 straight days of wait and see (with very little food, and if you know me after skipping just one meal you can imagine how low I was..), plus the first round of tries the week before.
Before leaving on thursday night the midwife told me they would break my water Friday and try the pitocin.
YIKES. It scared me so much.
At that point my ladies parts were really hurt, with a cervix opened only 1,5cm 0_0 I had no desire to get the water broken through so little space, as talented and experienced as the doc might be.

So I spent part of the night talking to the baby and praying to FINALLY go in labor.
My cousin called and tryied to cheer me up, she said the baby was too smart and wholesome to be fooled by synthetic hormones. :) That made me laugh and I felt better about my failure to give birth, and I was somewhat proud of my baby for holding his ground so well.

Friday morning I had the usual monitoring and was waiting for Mr L to join me because they seemed decided to be more offensive about the birth that day. There is a team switch at 9 am so basically whatever isn't done by 8:30 am has to wait the end of the team meeting around 10 am.
So I told him to take his time, then we'd be there together when I know what they do.
At this point I knew a c-section was a last chance option, but I thought they would either send me home again or try the water breaking (scaryyyy) option.

At 9:05 a gynecologist walks in my monitoring room, he says he is not too hopeful about the water breaking thing, and he needs to check my cervix for any change.
He notices it's been hurt quite a bit by all the checkings and creams and stuff and that it hasn't move.
Honestly he is a bit of a smug, he certainly didn't become doctor for his psychologic skills...
So bluntly he tells me I'm going to have a c-section probably that day.
That was really a surprise to me. I thought if I was to have a c-section it would have been done the week before.
so I try to reach Mr L so he can come and discuss it with me and the doc. But there is no discussion, that's a decision, unilateral but a decision made, without too much information given to me.
Then a midwife comes to give me stuff to prepare for the surgery. They really are going to do it that day. Around 9:30 she gives me the special soap for the surgery shower, and the clothes and instructions. She says "as we consider this a scheduled c-section you should take the asceptic shower".
Excuse me? Scheduled???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway... I'll be staying in bed and touch nothing till they wheel me down to the block.
I'm a little bit in shock. I expect someone is going to come to sit down with me and explain, answer questions I may have, explain to my husband.
But not really.
She says " you should go now and be quick, I'll wait for you in your room" I get a new room also, a single one. I gather my stuff from one room to the other, go get the shower and before I even get out 3 people are looking for me. The midwife, my husband and the guy to wheel me down!
It's 9:45 or so!!!
Before I know it I'm in the bed, in a waiting room in front of the block.
Nobody took the time to talk to my husband, who must be stressing out like crazy..

There are some guy nurses in this waiting room, they are really nice. He checks that I have no jewelry and I ask if he knows how the operation is supposed to happen. He tells me more about the rachidian injection, how to round up your back so it's easier, how everything will be numbed and then I'll have the baby, they sew me back up and wheel me back in the waiting room and as soon as I can feel my legs I can go back with baby and daddy.
He was really nice and reassuring.
But soon it was my turn to go in.
I got transfered on a operation table and wheeled in some giagantic fridge.
I did not expect that. The cold was really intense, when I say fridge I'm not exagerating.
I immediately started shivering.
The anesthesist came to introduce himself, how nice of him really most doctors I saw didn't even bother talking to me..
For some reason I thought doing the round back thing would be easy. I am quite flexible with my back usually.
But they started to pug me in different machines and tubes, spreading my arms wide on each side, then I had to sit up (try to do that with your arms open...)
I was shivering, super stressed and cold and everything seemed like a nightmare out of control. I almost asked for them to just put me to sleep so I could not even know what was happening.. and that was just the prep!
The anesthesist said I was like a stone statue.. "You need to relax Mrs".
Like I could...
A nurse came to be in front of me to hold my shoulders, an other one was petting my head and it felt good, I was wondering why they didn't let my husband be with me because he should have been the one to help me relax and pet my hair.
I was trying to breathe slowly so he could do his injection.
The gynecologist-surgeon came in, he was the guy I saw a few minutes before announcing me I'd have a c-section. I already didn't like him too much.. Anyway he asked the nurse why I was breathing like that and she said that was probably something we learn in birth class and he said "oh she doesn't need it then!"
I thought that was so disrispectful. FIrst of all I'm trying my best to not shiver when I'm naked in a fridge and he makes fun of me??? really?? And he talks like I'm not there..
Finally the injection worked and I could feel everything numbing away. I could feel everything still but no pain and not clearly.
They laid me down and put up the operating screen so I couldn't see, but there were several metal lamps above me acting like mirors. I choose to just close my eyes and not look. Yikes..
I heard and felt stuff going on. The nurse in charge of my various plugs was trying to chat to keep me distracted and awake I guess. At some point they asked why I had my eyes closed but I didn't want to answer that guy, I just said I'd like to keep them closed that's it.
After a while I heard " I see a head" and I heard the baby's cry.
It was so cute and unreal.

Someone said the time (11:04am) and that it was a boy and the mid wife brought him to me so I can kiss him.

(Mr. L. took this pic when they brought the baby upstairs)

I had an oxygene tube in the nose and he had a hat and blanket so I didn't see much but I kissed him and she went to wipe him up (because of the cold) then she brought him back so I could have a better look and first contact. THe nurse took my oxygene thing away so I could actually see him. He was really cute and warm but I couldn't see or do much so I asked her to send him up to his dad so he could know all went well and hold the baby. It was really hard to keep my eyes open because that metal lamp was right above me with the reflection of my open insides and bloody stuff all around. :/
Then I closed my eyes again and tried really hard to not think of anything happening in that room at that moment. It took an other half hour or so, the hurse told me there was several layers to sew back..
At the end I felt like they were popping bubbles in the package wrapping paper.. Except I was the bubbly plastic thing.. :/

Finally I was brought away from the room and back in the waking up room.
The nice nurse guy of earlier said the criteria to go back up was to feel one's legs.
I could actually feel them a bit and move my feet :) He said: well, when you can fold your knees. Within 5 min I did! :) I was so proud and excited to be done!
He felt sorry for me because there is a 30 to 45 min minimum to stay under watch anyway, but he offered to warm me up with some hot air from a tube. That felt really good, warm air :)
But I was still shivering a lot.
Around 12:30 they took me back upstairs in the maternity.
My husband was with the baby doing skin to skin :) Then they brought the baby to me so I can try to nurse him. It was so adorable, he immediately tried and somehow managed :)
After that everything was better.

Physically I didn't suffer at all. The most painful part of it all was the multiple cervix checks. Also coughing hurts in the scar but otherwise I had 0 pain.
All nurses said how beautiful my scar is and asked who did it.. Man this is silly but I almost don't want to hear good things from that doctor, I just want to be able to be mad at him for not even taking the time to explaining to me and my husband what was going to happen.

Mentally and morally it was very hard and stressful, being helpless all along, there was striucly nothing I could actively do besides waiting and letting stuff happen passively.

Otherwise I am very happy that the baby is finally here, looks adorable and everything is going a lot better now that we are home. First of all he sleeps :) and nursing is a lot easier and faster.

Non-birth story

Thanks for the messages of support.

I am back home since yesterday afternoon.

Baby hasn't shown up yet. He is doing some resistance.. trying to come out for July 4th?

we'll see.

So here is our non-birth story:

I went to the hospital Friday for the monthly check up. My blood pressure was way too high so the mid wife asked for more exams. Unfortunately they were really busy with women in labor so I was asked to come back in the afternoon.

I usually go to check ups by train and that would have been really annoying, thankfully that day my mom drove me (we planned on having lunch together before she goes visit my dad) so she could drive me back in the afternoon.

We went to a supermarket during lunch hour to get the last baby stuff I needed for the maternity pack (bibs, socks, hat and a couple t shirts for me).

Back in the hospital I had a monitoring and some blood and urine tests. The monito was good, but they didn't get the results before the lab closed ( yes the HOSPITAL's lab, for some reason they didn't give the results before they closed..)

So I got an appointement for Sunday morning and a relaxing pill and an order to rest.

Saturday we had friends over for lunch, they came to help Mr. L get the lumber for the deck. The hospital called to ask me to come that day instead of Sunday for more monitoring and BP check. We went in the afternoon.

They decided to keep me. :/

It was quite a surprise especially for the dear husband, who got really scared for me and the baby.

Thankfully the baby has never been endangered all along, all his stats have been good at every single check up.

They still decided to induce me as I had all the symptoms of pre-ecclampsia..

Sunday I met my room mate, a girl a bit younger than me with a very sweet gentleman of a husband and an overdue baby.

We had the same procedures done and I was quite happy to have a companion to share the journey with.

i got some contractions and they died away in the late afternoon.

It was actually quite painful.. I realized later that the pain was not from the contractions but from a pinched nerve in my back from sleeping on a new bed..

Monday the service was too overcome to do anything, as we were both stable they didn't try anything that day. but it took hours for us to find out...

Tuesday we received a gel supposed to be stronger than the first time. Again I got some contractions that faded away before the evening.

My roommate got in real labor and came back around 2 am with a baby girl. An adorable little doll. :) that was so sweet. :)

Wednesday, I learned I was stable enough to go home! :) Yay! They are giving the baby an other chance to come on his own, he won't have too long if I understand well. i go back tomorrow for check up, then every other day till I reach 38 weeks, or 38 and a half. Well actually 38 weeks is Saturday.. :/ yikes.

What was very frustrating was the lack of communication. I would get information from the food mainly: the service lady would come in and say "sorry but no breakfast for you the midwife said" and that meant something was going to be done on me.. It was really hard to get any information on what was coming next.. I saw the doctors about 2 minutes total. 10 secondes the saturday, a freaked out doctor who stormed in the room to say " so this is Mrs L, we can't let her out she has pre-ecclampsia, we keep her in, give her a bed". And 1 min50 sec on wednesday morning 2 doctors to tell me they let me out ( I feared they were coming to prep me for a c-section).

I am very thankful that the baby has never been in danger.

It was stressful enough to not know what was going to happen next.. if it would all end with an emergency c-section or not.. so not having to worry for the life of the little one was a great consolation.

I am also thankful that they decided to let me out instead of insisting so much.

Sorry about the details but my cervix got check upon 4 times in 4 days and I hated every minute of it. Also very little changed happened after those 2 tries so it would have taken lots of products to have it evolve... :/

I am thankful for my husband who worked from home to visit me, and brought me cherries, fresh cherries :)

I am thankful for the friends who invited him every single night for dinner to keep his mind of worries. And lent him a car when ours broke down.

Oh yeah, because tuesday night the car broke down.

this is a whole other story but I think we'll laugh our heads off when our baby is a little boy and ask that we tell the tale of his birth.. it will be a 4 parts story with the car breaking down, the tow truck showing up hours late when Mr L is visiting at the hospital, rushing to get back, being pulled over by cops...

I am already laughing about all those adventures, but I think someone else will need more time..

always getting more stuff

I am so happy about our parish friends. Mr L. asked our british friend, Paul, if he would be the godfather for our baby and he said yes! :)
I love having friends like them!
It's so amazing to go to church and then chat with people AND later in the week we can have dinner or a picnic!
Yesterday we went for a picnic with my cousin and her family, and Mr L. called Paul to ask for directions (to get to see a air show) and it turns out they were going there too with some other friends.. so we ended up going all 4 families! The kids had fun and we got to chat and relax in the grass while looking at the air show (old war planes from WWII and super fancy noisy newer ones..)

It was quite hot and beautiful and sunny :)
I need to get some pregnancy pictures... so far I have like 3 where you can see the bump.. baby is never going to believe I was actually pregnant..

Anyway I was reading on Elisabeth's blog about baby stuff and I came across a post about what baby things to get.
I quite agree with that last post (I'm only not too crasy about the EC part...).

I don't think we need much stuff at all for now. But the problem with stuff is that I can't control it right now!

I can make lots of mental lists of what I know I want and will use, but I can't quite keep to it.
Not that I'm an out of control buyer.
But I am not a lonely entity.
Lots of other people play a part in our life, stuff keep coming from ways I feel I can't control.

Example.

My wish list of baby equipment:

-onesies, pj, a few cute outfits
-a couple baby's sleeping bags (no idea what it is called, looks like overalls but with a bag instead of feet)
-diapers (disposable for first size and then cloth)
-a baby relax (seat to put baby down)
-a place to sleep (moses basket then bed)
-a baby bath tub (I don't like the shape of our sinks)
-a babybjorn thingy to carry baby around with free hands ;)
-a car seat
-pharmacy stuff like nail clippers, nose wash, fake tears...
-a high chair at some point
- a dresser/changing table (to store the clothes, changing table is necessary because our bed is a mattress on the floor and bending is hard for me right now..)

Then there is Mr L's wish-list
-stroller (nice one)
-disposable only for diapers
-not sure if I forget anything...

He is really not that exigent. :)
But we already disagree on the budget for the stroller. Plus I would tend to go for an outdoorsy stroller (type jogger, to go on little hikes) that we could get second hand. But he'd still want the nice city kind.
I'd rather wait to see if we'd even USE it.. but how can we know ahead of time?

Then there is already my sister asking what she can get us.
I asked to buy her ergo (baby carrier) because it'd be second hand and I know I like baby carriers, I just never used an ergo that much. But she wants to get me a new one. Why? if it's new and I actually like an other kind better, we'd both lose money for nothing!
It's not even about the money. It's just I don't get why go into complications when it could be an easy situation: she doesn't like her ergo, I'd like to give it a try= simple.

Oh well.
So of my/our list we have:



and some more 0-6 months outfits onesies and pj (from a yard sale).

This gorgeous bed was a wonderful surprise gift from a family member. It is beyond what I would have ever gotten in a shop. We are very lucky!
Our british friends GAVE us a mattress that fits in perfectly and we bought bedding for it in Ikea yesterday (just sheets as babies are supposed to sleep without blankets or something)

I am happy about the music box, it's really cute, but I didn't plan on getting one at all. It was a gift-hand-me-down from the family.

The baptism gown I am also thrilled about. It looks brand new but a great uncle was baptized in it, and my mom, and me and ... It's been around for 80 years at least!

The cross is my purchase.. I got it in Nantes a few weeks ago. I just thought I'd like to have something like this for a kid's room.


So we have some more things to get, and only 8 weeks! :)
I can't quite say that we have the essentials yet. But I am glad we are not overflooded with stuff too much. Yet.

An other domain where I feel out of control is food. I make menus for the week, and plan around so we don't need to go buy more. But we always get more. I guess it's just part of the lifestyle, there is always a farmer's market on the way and we get "just this" or that. Or we decide to go on a picnic last minute, and we'd like to have people taste an american recipe, so we need some ingredients etc etc..

Not complaining, it's working just fine so far. But I like to make lists and organize and have plans, it feels safe and as I don't earn money, not spending it is my only way to have some control over it. So when the lists keep getting messed up I get a bit anxious because I feel like I failed if we spent twice as much money as my list said we needed.. Because I know we would have been just fine with a left over salad or with a second hand stroller.

Dear country of adoption

In the past months and years I have learned to love the USA. I visited many cities, I took several road trips that made me crave for more wide spaces discoveries.
I learned also about the American spirit: freedom, independence, justice, faith...
I learned about culture, too often mocked and summed up as a mix of Mc Donalds and coca cola, when it is actually so rich not only in great foods (smoked food! Cajun!! so many many more) but also in writers, cineasts, artists, speakers etc.
What I don't understand is why the health care reform is so hard to admit. Yes there is a need for health care as a basic public service. Like there is an army, police and public schools. Because this is how a society work. We are not individuals alone in the wild struggling for survival. We are together because together we are stronger. United we stand.
I can't leave with the fear that if our baby comes to soon we may go over the health care ceiling. Then what? We live on the streets with a preemie? We declare bankruptcy? I don't think that fear should exist in the XXI st century.

Also I don't understand how a country that have about 4000 abortions a day is not trying to support and encourage those who want to have children, who can afford to raise them, but can't afford the hospital stay because if all in a sudden a C-section is needed they would be in debt for years. I think it is sad that some people who would be great parents and raise wonderful, happy, balanced children on little money are held back because of medical costs for the birth.

Boring post for Saturday

I haven't posted in a while.. This idea of boring post for saturday is great, I can just type whatever goes through my mind.
This week end we don't have plans. I hope whatever we'll do will involve some walking out in the parks. Mr L is playing video games. He recently got a new one and spend most of his free time playing it. It's fine with me as long as we get some time out together. It's the kind of game with a story, so at some point it will be over. :)
I will go to a different church this afternoon. I am so sad about my parish, maybe I'm just emotional but I went yesterday night for a teaching and the lady at the reception desk was so rude/mean/clueless that I don't want to go back there.
I have been going for 2 months, almost everyday to Our Lady parish, and yesterday night it dawned on me that I don't know ANYONE. I know the priests, because well they're easy to spot. But there is not a group that I can join to get to know people. I left my number to 6 different people to do anything to help, or just get involved in youth group or what have you, and I haven't been contacted. Every time there is an announcement for a teaching, a group or whatnot the information is wrong, or incomplete, and the reception desk people are just plain rude. I'm done trying.
I really liked the sermons there, but I need some form of community. I just can't go to a church just to sit there during mass and move on with my life as if it's some kind of movie that I just watch on a regular basis.

Otherwise I went to the gym again. Did I mentioned I am now a happy member?
I did a few classes, but there is way too much jumping around for my taste. Thursday I went to "stretch and tone". The room slowly filled with older happy members (which is a very good sign for me) and everybody took a huge ball, sat on it and started bouncing around. Oh I loved this class!! I am going back. At the end they changed the music for birds songs and turned off the lights. It was really neat. And 2 people talked to me. A lady even introduced herself. Yay!! :)
I also had a fitness evaluation. Well I did excellent in stretch. I am so proud. the excellent category starts at 16, and I did 19! (inches of stretch).
Otherwise hmm not so good. It was silly, all categories ranked from low to excellent and I was mostly average.. except in stretch :) and in... weight!! I scored high! well don't rejoice too fast. Scoring high in weight is not a good thing. It took me a few minutes to understand.. the guy was gently laughing.. oh well. :)
I'll go again Monday to learn how to use the gym equipements.

Rosary woes

I tried. But there is something about the rosary that I don't get.
I like to actually hold something that reminds me I'm supposed to do "pray-time only" (and not, say, "cook and praise").
I think the idea of mysteries is genius. Never run out of a text to reflect upon. And there is endless graces you can ask for, endless examples to look up to and imitate.
I like St Mary as a model of patience, hope and love.
I understand the idea of intercession.

What I don't get is the repetition of Hail Mary. 10 times, times 5! Why?
Is that supposed to keep you focused? Or to keep track of time?
Why does it sounds like a race when said in Spanish or Portuguese?
Whenever I go to a recitated rosary I can't help but think of that verse where Jesus says: " when you pray, don't repeat like pagans..."
I do have a rosary in my purse, but I can't just repeat on and on. I spend more time on the mystery than on the serie of "hail Mary".. But then I feel superstitious, thinking if I don't say 10 in a row, I'm being disrespectful or something...
Ah it's so easy to make your life complicated!

So my new parish had a novena, ending tonight with mass and shared snacks. But I won't go. I went to exactly 4 evenings (out of 9) every other night or so. The first one was great. We spend 20 min in a sharing group. But it went worse and worse to me. I was bored out of my mind, feeling bad and discouraged. The worst I think was the litany. I just don't get it.
I love the litany of saints for ordinations, when we ask for the intercession of saints. I like to think about all those people who lived holy lives, yet being so unique, so full of life, really humans, not angels or emotionless..
But the litany of the names of Mary is just painful, it goes on and on and I can see it being a beautiful reflection about all the meaning she carries. But read aloud in Church, as fast as humanly possible, doesn't make it any inspiring.

Well there are many ways to pray. I think the rosary is not one for me!
Do you pray the rosary regularly? What keeps you going?

frustrated!!

Mr L has many video games.He doesn't play too often but sometimes, or when I was working and he was alone at home. Now that I'm home a lot he is so nice he'd like to get me a Xbox game so I can play too. Last time I played video games it was sims on pc.
Xbox playing is really difficult.
I looked online the top 10 games for girls, and one guy listed portal as #1 game to introduce someone to the Xbox 360.
FAIL.
lamentably fail.
Portal is SO frustrating.
There are no instructions whatsoever. I can't even figure out what the point is in the game. I passed the pre-introduction after 1/2h of fighting to get a box on a plateform. I can't even take my character on a straight line!
I'm on chapter 1, part 1 for about an hour, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do.
I even googled it, but looks like it's so freaking obvious to the rest of the world.

Thanks Xbox, I didn't feel this stupid since finals in 3rd year, when my latin teacher asked me the 2nd person plural of indo-european for carrying and I answered with the 3rd person. And even then at least I could try.


*********update*******
if you are as bad as me but still want to try Portal, I found a website that walks you through most of it.. but it's kind of boring anyway, and still very frustrating..