Would you like to visit?

I finally got some pictures uploaded!! Thanks Mr L!
These are somewhat old, in a few weeks lots have changed! We have more furniture now and are more settled.. I'll also take pictures of the outside.
This is the front yard, we are looking forward to getting a slide/swing or something along those lines..




Living room, this is our fireplace, we had to put the yellow coverage in front of it.


Kitchen! I love how sunny it gets!!!


we now have a dish washer in that hole...

The entry way with flowers in the stairs :)






There are 3 bedrooms upstairs and a bathroom (shower) and one more bathroom downstairs (bath tub). I hope to post more pics later.. :)

so here it is. A happy new home! :)

Forever- the first years of forever- chap 10

It's about time I post about the last chapter of The first years of forever! Remember that was why I wanted to review the book to start with?
I skip over chapters 8 and 9: handbook for husbands and handbook for wives: how to love your partner. I haven't read the one for husbands at all.. the one for wives is basically a repeat of the rest of the book, with some developments around Proverb 31(10-31).

Mr. L and I started a short conversation yesterday night, but sleep caught up with us. He was saying it's sad that one of us will die and leave the other alone at some point. Of course it's somewhat sad to think about it. But I believe there is a heaven, something that last longer than life, the relationships we have last forever, especially the one you spend so much time and energy to build and renew day after day...

It's time now to review that last chapter. :)

"does death mean the end of the love we share? Will we be separate, if we meet in heaven will it be by passing, one becoming two again? We encourage you to develop an eternal perspective of love and marriage based on the truth... The answers we share in this chapter are what we believe the Bible tech or suggest concerning love and marriage in heaven" there will be no marriage in heaven, because we won't need it. 7 reasons: 1- no death, no need for reproduction (this is maybe the only one I disagree with. Even without death, I believe God would love more unique souls)
2- no need to be healed of loneliness 3-no need for someone to complete you: marriage was design to bring completion to man and woman as the two become one, but in heaven we will experience our completeness in Christ and will be satisfied (Col 2:9)
4- no symbol, the real thing. Marriage is a symbol of Jesus and the Church, in heaven no need for symbols. 5- no need for protection. Our love here needs to be protected, not in heaven. 6-all relationships will be important. 7-we will concentrate on God, not on each other

>>> Some of those are begging for more explanations.
#2 pretty much speaks for itself. #3 is clear enough. #4 could lead to a great theological speech about universal church... But for now I'll focus just on the last 3 ones.
One saying I like goes " getting married is taking the chance to fall in love all over again". Well it says so in my memory. In other terms love as an easy feeling comes and goes, but when you get married (in my definition of marriage) you DECIDE to build the relationship. everyday you chose to act with love, to show respect, attention, care etc. This is love. And yes we are selfish beings, sometimes we need to be reminded of our choices, and that this person who goes on my nerves right now is the one I chose to spend my life with. Marriage is protection from ourselves, it makes someone else more important, it takes you out of selfish comfort zones and it is difficult at times, but priceless.

-6 all relationships will be important. We will be free from sin, free from judging each other, free from hiding our feelings, our failures etc. Wow... I can't wait to see my former classmates! LOL

-7 we will concentrate on God. I see heaven as some kind of choir. We have all a specific voice to sing with, some are altos, some are baritones... But all together it's an awesome ensemble. We won't fight over who has the right tune, we will just enjoy the music. :)

Back to our book.
"But what will happen to our love in heaven? [marriage] is housed in legal, public, sacred commitment, but that's not all of it. In the process of living out the commitment, the relationship has become a living entity of love. Love is the one thing that will last. The only thing we can take with us. Marriage as institution is superfluous in heaven, but love is certainly not. Not a drop of what we have felt, and shared and demonstrated will be lost. "then too, we know that God's love is always personal and specific, not a vague diffused good-will towards everyone in general and nobody in particular. Because New Testament love involves people and relationships we can be sure that love will not be a vague and lonely ideal in heaven, anymore than it is on earth. [...] We can be confident that ou earthly loved one will be a part of it. We look forward to sweet fellowship with them as we adore our Lord God together. [Although we will be complete and without needs] It's difficult to imagine heaven without some closeness with those we have loved best on earth.
>>> I like this part. I do believe love is the only thing that really matters in life. Not the general impersonal feeling and empty word, the tricky love your neighbor part. My neighbor Phil is really easy to love so I'm glad we're a team. But there is still a lot of work to do! ;) I also believe that whether you spend 2 hours or 20 years with someone doesn't matter, what matters is how it touches you and makes you better or leave you blank and indifferent. But if you spend 60 years with someone who brings the best out of you.. wow!!!

Next time, part 2: lessons in love :)

First years of forever- the ABCs of never

Chapter 7 deals with all the warning signals in a relationship.

Adultery,
Anger
Bitterness
Change,
Conflict
Debt,
Disloyalty
Ego trips
Failure to Communicate
Guilt trips
Habits
Impatience,
Indifference, Insensitivity
Jealousy
"Keeping House" Controversy
Lack of Intimacy
Messiness
Nagging
Out-of-control Children
Parental Pressures,
Pride,
Procrastination
Quick Replies- speaking before you think
Rejection, Sexual
Selfishness,
Self pity,
Spiritual Indifference
Television
Ultimatums
Violence
Withholding Affection
Xhaustion
Yelling and other annoying habits
Zzz'z- boredome with your partner,your marriage or your life in general

Not the most mind strinking chapter in my opinion...
Most of those are mentioned somewhere else in the book.

My personal top 5 to struggle against:

1-Silence: no saying when I'm upset, not saying why..

2-Bitterness: forgiving for real, not bringing past things up to myself

this is not my house (just random googled pic, but it could very much become like this)
3-Messiness: there is such a BIG difference in our behavior when the house is clean and inviting. As soon as there is clutter, papers around etc. we get cranky way faster!! I'm not alone in that struggle though ;)



4- Disloyalty: keep in mind to open my mouth only for positive comments, whoever I'm chatting with. Especially when talking about him. So far so good but I want to be extra careful with this one.


5-Television: put strict limits on television and other screen activities, both hen alone and when with hubby. Sometimes we end up watching TV during diner because the kitchen is too small and once in the living room the furniture seems to invite us to turn on tv. Review furniture arrangement to NOT make TV the focal point.

first years of forever, the door marked private, part 2

Chapter 6, part 2. This part is more "technical".

To avoid unnecessary searches ending here I will use "s#ex."
Hope it's not too confusing...

There are some advices for wedding night, which I think apply actually to so many more nights... "do not expect complete physical harmony right away" I would say also don't expect it every single time. We have different schedules, rhythms, energy levels.. from one day to an other!
"do not be goal-oriented in your lovemaking" = the point is not to perform, or to make your partner climax, even if it's nice. If it becomes a goal, it becomes stressful..

more advices on getting away from family for a few days, bringing lubricant, yep yep they give details, if you need some more, get the book ;)

more good general things:
-"forget the past. This is a key point today when so many people are going into a second marriage or may have had previous s#exual experience outside of marriage. One mate may be tempted to make comparisons, or to be jealous and torubled by mental pictures of the lover loving someone else... Be forewarned that this is one area of life where experience will hinder rather than help. Here are the best way [to cope with previous experiences] : Forget it, discipline yourself to not think about it again and never discuss it with your partner. If it must be referred to, be careful to NOT give details."
>>I think this is precious advice. Even if some people manage to go into a marriage without any s#exual experience or pornography images, it's very rare to not have any heartbreaking experience, past girlfriend or boyfriend.
Marriage should be like opening a new book, a blank page to write our family together. I think it's also extremely important to FORGIVE the past, especially emotional wounds from past relationships and family traumas, so you can move on healthily.

Other clever remark: "Nourish you total relationship"
"approach s#ex not as a right, but as a priceless privilege"
"good s#ex at night begins in the morning"(so very true!)
"Any intimacy between you as sexual dimension, whether you're talking, cooking, sharing a time of prayer... It's all part of lovemaking"
They use the term "lovemaking" a lot, in the sense of intercourse, but also in the sense of building your relationship, building love.

"If a problem arises in your s#exual relationship, you need to take responsibility for it together. It is a couple problem that will require a couple solution, so absolutely refrain from placing blame on one another."
This is a great piece of advice for any problem, really. I think this whole book is making me see faithfulness in so many unexpected levels and aspects. Here faithfulness is to not put the blame on the other.

"Enjoy partner-centered s#ex. Develop a relationship that is not self-centered, not performance-centered, not even s#ex-centered, but centered in the joy of giving your partner pleasure." " Don't think of partner-centered s#ex as somehow sacrificial. You don't lose any pleasure by this. [..] the rewards are so great!"
"This requires permanent learning of your partner" (reminds me of the movie Fireproof where they talk about getting a PhD in" your spouse").

"learn body language"
"requires the gift of time:[...]the two of you need to save prime time and energy for one another"
>> the time thing is probably the most useful tip I learned in this chapter. Making time for relaxing conversations, making GOOD time for being together, not keeping the cuddling to the last 5 min before we fall asleep. Put aside some awake time, before you're exhausted and fall apart..
At home we try to make time for back rubs and feet rubs, it is seriously something we both look forward to during the day. As they say, anything you do together contribute to your lovemaking :)

The elephant in the room is contraception. They quickly mention to talk ahead of time of which way of planing your family you want, if any...
I think a chapter about marital relationship and lovemaking should include something on unitive and procreative functions. How s#ex is a powerful way to connect with that one person you chose to spent your life with. When two persons are in love so much they become one. They do mention the oneness of the couple. But they forgot to mention that when you become one so deeply, well you can give the little one a name a few months later...

I think it gives to the couple a dimension that was not even mentioned in the book...

first years of forever- the door marked private: secrets of sexual fulfillment

Chapter 6, part 1

I may have to change the title of this post, just to avoid weird searches ending here...
I think this book has some good advices, but on this topic I think they miss the point. I mean not every one has the chance to actually learn about the theology of the body...
Well there is still a lot of good stuff, so let's look into it.

• the chapter starts with some biblical references " they shall become one flesh". And the hebrew for intercourse is to "know" someone.

• " Approach sex with reverence because you know what it means" " God sees sex in marriage as pure and valuable" " It has profound meaning and a spiritual purpose"

I couldn't agree more with all this. I've learned so much since I looked into NFP . But more on it later.

• " principle of belonging (the book mentions principle of need, of belonging, of habit and priniple of equality) When two people marry they relinquish ownership of their own bodies and give this right to their mate. Obviously this requires the utmost trust. "

>> The principle of belonging makes sense to me. I think it's much more than just a body thing. If I put his happiness above mine, and he puts my happiness above his, well we will both be happy. :) Last chapter mentioned sacrifices, how your spouse should not be aware when something costs you. I think it's important to understand that. Sacrificing is not about looking like a victim, and whining on how much I would rather do something else... Sacrificing is putting his happiness above yours. The etymology is simply "make holy" "marking it for God". Nowhere is says that lots of pain and tears should be involved.
So yes, I believe marriage makes my body a little more than just my body. When we got married in October we read that beautiful poem :" these are the hands"

These are the hands of your best friend,young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever.

These are the hands that will work alongside yours as together you build your future.

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch will comfort you like no other.

These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief wracks your mind.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children.

These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one.

These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged

will still be reaching for yours,

still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch."

back to our book...

• "No spouse has the right to withhold physical affection".

This one goes along with the chapter on faithfulness to me. Being there for the other, no matter how you feel at the moment. I will not refuse a hug or holding hands. If I'm really upset for some reason I may say "give me a minute, I'm still upset right now". I don't want to refuse a kiss, but sometimes I think it's better to postpone it than to pretend everything is fine. And when we kiss it means we're really reconciled, not just playing as if. To sum it up, I totally agree with that line, to not withhold physical or emotional affection, but I see it as the general guideline. The spirit of it is to be faithful, which can sometimes mean to clear something before you can get to that demonstration of affection. I think this is really faithfulness.

• "The privacy factor. Becoming one flesh in marriage calls for privacy, in every sense of the word. Don't let another person intrude in your private world for two. [...] To allow a close friendship marked by affectionate touching and intimate conversation to grow is like leaving the gate open to invite this person into your heart as a lover.
  
• Avoid people who encourage you to talk about your partner until you see yourself separately form him/her. Guard your sense of oneness, it's precious.
• Never discuss details of your sexual relationship with anyone (except doctor when necessary). Your sex life should be viewed as sacred. Never permit jokes about your private world or share confidences in that private area.
• Establish and maintain the privacy of your bedroom. Your bedroom should be a sanctuary. Make it beautiful, keep it pleasant."

>> these are all very important points IMO. The most useful for me was the last one, about the bedroom. I think it is developped later, or maybe I just developped it in my own little imagination world..anyway the idea is to make your bedroom the most relaxing room. That you are actually looking forward to going there. Don't keep piles of laundry to put away or iron, don't let clutter make it the room you want to avoid the most. Chapter 5 warned for about 3 pages about the negatives side effects of too much tv watching. I think having a nice bedroom, spending time chatting and reading is a great alternative. :)

Since I read this chapter I made a list of chores: daily, weekly and monthly. This really helped improve the look of the house, and of the bedroom especially ( I put pick up clothes as a daily chore). I also put some candles out, including some with good smell :) It's really enjoyable to have a room just for our relationship. Not for friends to hang out, not for every day life, just for him and me to relax and spend some quality time together.. :)

Next time part 2 will be more sex-centered.

First years of Forever. Chap 5, Communicating: your lifeline in marriage.

This is one of the longest chapter in the book. It sums up many advices and other books on communication. I think all curriculum should include a mandatory class about communication. We are so unprepared for real life if we can't communicate properly. So many adults are avoiding conflicts and confrontation, and end up frustrated, angry and discouraged.
This chapter is really useful not only in marriage, but in any relationship involving two persons or more.
I'll comment here the advices and tips which were the most useful to me.

the chapter starts with a list of reasons WHY it's good to communicate. Duh. Well actually already I realized there are many aspects in a relationship, and many modes of communication. So it was welcomed to review what could seem obvious.
"-knowledge and understanding of one another which you need for intimate closeness -interchange of information needed to work together as husband-wife team -ability to work out difference and resolve conflicts - continued "in-touch" contact needed to grow together.."

Then the author notice how many marriages fail because of bad or lack of communication. Most of divorces actually come down to it. But not all is lost because " communication involves skills that can be learned and practiced."

And that is so true. Since I got engaged we worked a lot on our communication's skills. I was the silent one. Whatever went wrong I would keep it to myself, and remember it over and over again, until I was seriously sulking over misunderstandings.

" Signs of good communication:
-a sense of freedom to express yourself - a sense of being understood -an absence of win-lose arguments -a reduction of tension -a sense of being safe and secure in the relationship"
Then come advices and descriptions about communication: "accept the other the way he is: disagree, don't disapprove the person... Listen. Repeat what you understood, don't interrupt...Chose quality time... Don't ignore..."

All of those advices you can find online I'm sure.

The most useful for me are: freedom to express oneself and listening.

I used to be afraid to say some things, for the way my husband could interpret them. I know he is very sensitive. Now I'm not afraid to say them (actually I have very few to say lately, but I'm not worried we'll have plenty of occasions to "practice our communication skills"). So anyway what changed is that I introduce my point with some clear reassurance: "I love you, and I'm not going to leave you, but THIS particular one thing you said or did MADE ME FEEL this or that way."
First I repeat my feelings, second I repeat my engagement and third I say the truth. Truth is I can't KNOW what his intention was. All I know is how I understood that behavior, and how it hurt me.

This really helps clarifying all kinds of situations way before they turn into a problem, or fight.



I also learned that " Silence is one of the most destructive thing a person can do to a marriage".
" Nothing does more harm to a marriage than the rising of invisible walls because of something that cannot be talked about together."

I see how my behavior during our engagement could indeed be destructive, and how I have to be careful about it. It's not easy to speak up, but it's so necessary.
The book goes on with a part about "fighting the biblical way" which reminds me of some exercises we had during pre-cana.

An other good paragraph is a reminder of what was discussed in the faithfulness chapter, how your wife/husband is in your team. Never talk in a negative way, whether your partner will hear it or not. It's about being faithful even in small things. I would go so far as saying don't even say generalities that could imply negative things about your partner. Like " Men never do chores without being reminded. They are such babies about their toys..." and the same. Anyway generalities are a slippery slope, and negative talking is not constructive, I try to avoid them all together... (I said "try". No one's perfect!)

Other very valuable notes for your reflexion:

"If your partner feels you are sacrificing, something is wrong with the way you are showing your love".

"we are not to close our heart against a loved one's needs"

More on sacrifice an other time... This is long enough for one day...

first years of forever- Forgiveness

following on the review for " the first years of forever"

chapter 4: Forgiveness, the second essential

This chapter is a treasure! As I mentioned earlier I'm not good with forgiveness, I didn't know the impact of sincere apologies since very recently. And even when I say "I'm sorry", pride is always in the way... So that whole chapter was really good for me.(Doesn't make me a pro that easily either..)
" where else, but in marriage, could there be more opportunities to annoy, insult, offend or ruffle an other person? "
"forgiveness is a way of life. It's not keeping scores. It's not a feeling, it's a CHOICE you make" " Forgiveness is a promise: I won't bring it up to you again, I won't bring it up to others, I won't bring it up to myself"
" the four steps of forgiveness:
-choose, freely, to forgive
-make a promise to lift the burden of guilt from the other and remember the problem no more. Don't bring it up to him, to others, to yourself.
- Seal it with your behavior (= show love and a restored relationship)
- trust God"


>>> the book as a funny story to illustrate the process.. and more biblical references.
This was a really good reflection to me. Too often when I get hurt I want to hurt back somehow. And I tend to forget the last part mentioned here" don't bring it up to yourself". If I have a grief against someone, especially Mr L, I will bring it up to myself A LOT, and then look very upset or sad, to make HIM feel bad and guilty (because it works...). I guess I'm trying to get extra in comforting with this method. A lot of petting in the back and sweet talking...
But most of the time it doesn't actually work that way Both parties get upset and resentful, and too proud to admit it's not our best behavior...
So anyway I notice when I move on and SHOW affection and care, then I get affection and care back :) And everything goes much more smoothly.
The book goes on with the same little story, and shows what happens when there is forgiveness, and when there is not.
I also like the reminder " trust God". I'm usually very wary with books that involve quoting the Bible too much, because some have the bad habit to just give "advices" that are not practical, simply not for human beings, or advices given by people who care only about appearances and how you look. Not here. Of course point 3 is to "seal it with behavior". you'll notice they don't say " do as if nothing happened". They say behave appropriately for a restored relationship.
Don't bring up the past, but don' pretend nothing ever happened. See it as an occasion to move on, without the other feeling like he owes you tones (even if he does). They use the word "gracefully" I think it's very appropriate. Forgiveness can strengthen a relationship, resentment can destroy it. the advice to trust God is a good one, and very much logical here. It's necessary to trust God will help you forgive and really move on. I think here you pray to be free of resentment. Acting like you don't feel resentful may not be enough, and that could turn into hypocrisy and awful blow out later on...

I wish we would learn to forgive at school!

Although I couldn't even see it as a value before, only a reluctant necessity, Forgiveness is my new favorite value, and I need LOTS of practice. :)

first years of forever- Faithfulness

I enjoyed that book a lot, I don't intend to copy all of it here, but to share which advices and comments I really want to keep in mind (for years to come!!) :)


Chapter 1: The feelings of Love: guarding your treasure.
This first part is about feelings, how nice it is to be in love, but also how to not only rely on feelings.

>>I completely agree with that. You'll notice that at no point in pre-cana were we asked if we love each other. Because love is not all about feelings, it's a choice. It's something we build up slowly.

The book also warns against feelings, it's not because it feels good that it is the right thing to do.
>> I would take that as a warning, kind of " don't leave when it gets hard, you may have feelings for other people later, but remember your vows". Well I agree with that too. I would add that I don't think you can fall in love with someone else if you still have something with your husband. That little something is like the old comparison with a fire burning , you have to keep it burning.
It's not a dramatic event of an every year retreat, or a weekly date, I think it's a daily prove of affection. :)
Every night I wonder to myself: "what did I do to show him love today?" so far I have plenty, every night, and I hope it keeps coming naturally :) But I don't want to lose this habit.

chapter 2: the ABCs of Forever: living by the facts of love.
I didn't really read that chapter, it didn't hit home for me. There are different definitions for different types of love: belonging love, absolute love, and an equation type: all these loves together make the perfect "forever lasting love".
>>> Made me think about the different loves in christianity, and the most perfect one is agape (sometimes also translated as charity)
In college I studied the 3 voices cantate by Paul Claudel (article in french)which was a beautiful poetic conversation between 3 wives, a newly wed, a middled age woman and a widow. All husbands were away and they were sharing about love. It's beautiful how each was passionate about her beloved, and how each one had a completly different point of view from the other one.


chapter 3: Faithfulness: the first essential.
The most important thing it to be able to trust each other. The author asked a few long married people the most important thing, and they all answered trust, faithfulness. "if I reach out, his hand is always here".

" Your partner should NEVER feel the need to compete with someone else for your attention or admiration"
>>> I do want to make sure he knows he doesn't have to compete and we are a team. I don't take it for granted or tacite, I keep saying how I feel about him, and how much I admire some traits. I know he knows, but I figure it can't harm to repeat it. Better said twice than never heard...
Also I avoid "dates" with other people. I have a friend who learns French and I help him every now and then after dance on tuesdays (he lives 3 blocks from my class). But I always invite DH along (eh he could practise french too) and we meet at Dunkin Donuts :) I like my friend and it's very innocent, but I know gossip start faster than a blink, and I don't want DH to ever even WONDER about me..

" faithfulness continues to choose the same person, even in the midst of pain, frustration and disillutionement". " Faithfullness is a call to action. You have to express it and demonstrate it in your daily life"

• "Be consistently honest"
• "don't do anything to create suspiscion in your partner's mind" cf 1Thess 5:22.
• "Consistently show appreciation"
• " Speak positively about your partner to other people, and give thanks to God too." (this also"builds more faithfulness in your own heart")
  

>>I actually like those references to the Bible. :) I thought that was a little off at first. I was thinking" oh well you could make the Bible say anything if you want..." But then I took it with an open mind, and indeed it makes much sense to use the bible as a book to learn how to love, for a long-term relationship!! :)

The last point

• " Speak positively about your partner to other people, and give thanks to God too." (this also"builds more faithfulness in your own heart")
  

is one I really want to keep in mind. Not that I don't speak positively of my husband.. But maybe not enough. :) Also it's easy to get criticizing when a firend starts complaining about her cluttery boyfriend, and we both start on the chorus : " oh his clothes everywhere..." it seems innocent and I really don't think it's too big a deal to complain with co-workers about small things, it's almost part of a social code for empty but friendly discussions, along with weather, pets, and potty training when you have a family..
Still. I would like to get rid of any comment that could put my husband down.
And by the way he got really good with clutter management :)

This morning I was reading psalm 141 (=142?) that says : set a guard over my mouth, keep watch at the door of my lips".
When I receive communion I make those little cross we do before hearing the Gospel. I do one on my heart, and one on my mouth. The one on the mouth is a friendly reminder of this psalm. And the one on my heart is to also set a guard on my heart, that even my thoughts may be turned to what really matters, and not focus on harsh feelings and resentment.

best advices for newly weds

The best piece of advice I have received so far, I probably mentioned it before, but here again:
YOU chose who you're going to disappoint.

the first time I heard it I was thinking : " oh I don't want to disappoint anyone!!" and this is the problem. If you want to please everyone, then at some point you're going to neglect something, or someone.
And this is where the choosing part is important. What matters more: Finishing that paper tonight (which would take 2 hours) or being home for dinner?
I think it's a day to day decision.
I tend to want to please everyone, and I want that my boss can rely on me when needed, but more than anything my husband is important, he is my partner for life, not just for a year or 3 or 10. For a life time, and that makes dinner more important than this paper. I can finish the paper by coming early if needed, or skipping lunch, but if I get in the habit of putting my husband AFTER something else, then I take him for granted..


I just finished reading " the first years of forever". It was a pretty good book overall and I'm glad I read it.
The most interesting parts, to me, were:
the chapter about forgiveness,
the chapter about communication (pretty basic but a good reminder)
the chapter about the best ways to love your husband
and the last chapter about "forever"

I really was glad to read most of those advices. It's a christian-faith book, but really the advices are good for anyone in a relationship.