Random ramblings

What a strange day. I feel like a teenager again. Emotionally confused. What should I do? I want to change the world but I don't want to change myself. I want big effects, but not the small efforts...

Yesterday night I did what I had planed for today. My life is not super exciting, my plans were to clean the oven and organize the pantry... I bet I cleaned more of the previous tenants' dirt than they ever did when they lived here. So today I watched TV and did some quilting. I also tried to cook a better-than-usual lunch (shrimp risotto!), but it was not that good. Oh well.. Not my day I guess. I felt bad to stay home because the sound of the tv was too loud and upset Mr L (who works from home) and if I take a nap I feel like the laziest person on earth. So off I went to visit the city. The train ride is a good excuse to have a uick nap. I was almost tempted to go for a round trip to sleep longer...
I took my laptop with me, hoping for a starbucks to read blogs and email people, but their wifi is some sort of registrated program, you need a card to get it. :( Oh well.

Anyway my teenager's feelings of the day are frustration and lack of purpose I guess. I felt trapped by unemployment. I see no end to it. Of course having a green card will help. But then what? What will I do?
I have a masters in classics.Sounds good to have a master, doesn't it? Well, I'm ok in latin, but not that great in greek.. and what kind of job do you get with this? I was thinking of applying to museum research/expositions. But they don't hire. Or maybe if you have a PhD in a very specific area that they do research in.. I still applied to volunteer at the Field museum :)

Almost everything else I care about and would like to do is not a 9-5 job. And that is more or less my only requirement. Having nights and week ends for family time.
An other « dream job » for me would be retirement home. I would like to organize a nice welcoming place, a last HOME for elder people. Where couples could stay together. Where the residents could feel useful in some way. One summer I spent a month in Kermaria, in Locmine in Britany (a tiny village on the west coast of France) in a retirement home for sisters. There was a medicalized house, and a non-medicalized one. It was very heart-warming to see everyone using their skills for all. The sister who could see read the newspaper to a few blind. The sister who could walk would take the one in a wheel chair for a ride... I would love to work there at some point. But obviously I chose an other vocation, so I should stick to what is best for my family and not get lost in many directions.
I don't miss New York. Not at all. But I feel a lack of aim in life. I was happy in the Bronx. Here we have a comfortable home, but we always want more things. It's a endless list of things we need next. It's not necessarily bad. But to me it says that we need to get more involved. Since 2003 I have been involved in prison ministries. It matters to me. I believe in human dignity. I think it is important to reach out to people that society puts apart for a time, and tell them that society condamn their act. Not them. I'm not saying their should be no prison at all. But it shouldn't be the end of social life. Or professional life. Some people just don't believe they are part of a community. Selfishness and indifference can be disastrous.
These past few years I realized just how much family matters. Showing to your children that you care about them. Communicating. Talking to each other about what's on your mind, what matters to you, sharing values, feelings...
Or maybe this is just a projection of my own feelings, my own struggles.

The day I realized God cared, it changed my life. I am not too much of an evangelizator!! lol But if there is one purpose in my life, it would be to share that. Care for others, see my neighbors as brothers, and occasionally tell them that yes, He cares.