First years of Forever. Chap 5, Communicating: your lifeline in marriage.

This is one of the longest chapter in the book. It sums up many advices and other books on communication. I think all curriculum should include a mandatory class about communication. We are so unprepared for real life if we can't communicate properly. So many adults are avoiding conflicts and confrontation, and end up frustrated, angry and discouraged.
This chapter is really useful not only in marriage, but in any relationship involving two persons or more.
I'll comment here the advices and tips which were the most useful to me.

the chapter starts with a list of reasons WHY it's good to communicate. Duh. Well actually already I realized there are many aspects in a relationship, and many modes of communication. So it was welcomed to review what could seem obvious.
"-knowledge and understanding of one another which you need for intimate closeness -interchange of information needed to work together as husband-wife team -ability to work out difference and resolve conflicts - continued "in-touch" contact needed to grow together.."

Then the author notice how many marriages fail because of bad or lack of communication. Most of divorces actually come down to it. But not all is lost because " communication involves skills that can be learned and practiced."

And that is so true. Since I got engaged we worked a lot on our communication's skills. I was the silent one. Whatever went wrong I would keep it to myself, and remember it over and over again, until I was seriously sulking over misunderstandings.

" Signs of good communication:
-a sense of freedom to express yourself - a sense of being understood -an absence of win-lose arguments -a reduction of tension -a sense of being safe and secure in the relationship"
Then come advices and descriptions about communication: "accept the other the way he is: disagree, don't disapprove the person... Listen. Repeat what you understood, don't interrupt...Chose quality time... Don't ignore..."

All of those advices you can find online I'm sure.

The most useful for me are: freedom to express oneself and listening.

I used to be afraid to say some things, for the way my husband could interpret them. I know he is very sensitive. Now I'm not afraid to say them (actually I have very few to say lately, but I'm not worried we'll have plenty of occasions to "practice our communication skills"). So anyway what changed is that I introduce my point with some clear reassurance: "I love you, and I'm not going to leave you, but THIS particular one thing you said or did MADE ME FEEL this or that way."
First I repeat my feelings, second I repeat my engagement and third I say the truth. Truth is I can't KNOW what his intention was. All I know is how I understood that behavior, and how it hurt me.

This really helps clarifying all kinds of situations way before they turn into a problem, or fight.



I also learned that " Silence is one of the most destructive thing a person can do to a marriage".
" Nothing does more harm to a marriage than the rising of invisible walls because of something that cannot be talked about together."

I see how my behavior during our engagement could indeed be destructive, and how I have to be careful about it. It's not easy to speak up, but it's so necessary.
The book goes on with a part about "fighting the biblical way" which reminds me of some exercises we had during pre-cana.

An other good paragraph is a reminder of what was discussed in the faithfulness chapter, how your wife/husband is in your team. Never talk in a negative way, whether your partner will hear it or not. It's about being faithful even in small things. I would go so far as saying don't even say generalities that could imply negative things about your partner. Like " Men never do chores without being reminded. They are such babies about their toys..." and the same. Anyway generalities are a slippery slope, and negative talking is not constructive, I try to avoid them all together... (I said "try". No one's perfect!)

Other very valuable notes for your reflexion:

"If your partner feels you are sacrificing, something is wrong with the way you are showing your love".

"we are not to close our heart against a loved one's needs"

More on sacrifice an other time... This is long enough for one day...